Superman is a Tool, Wonder Woman can do better.

There I said it. He is my least favorite super hero. I know 2 men who count Superman as the best hero of all time. I must disagree.

For those of you not in the know, Superman has now hooked up with Wonder Woman and I went on record as saying, “She can do better.”

She can and should.

Here is the deal with wonder Woman. She was created by W.M. Marston based on Greek Mythology of the Amazons. Wonder Woman is a warrior princess of the Amazon, distinctly feminist role model whose mission was to bring the Amazon ideals of love, peace, and sexual equality to a world torn by the hatred of men. All very cool attributes and she was smokin’ hot in a stupid very unfemininest super-suit. Edna would not approve. She was drawn to attract men, the majority of Superhero fans.

So given those qualities, why is she choosing Superman as her love interest? Lest put the need for D.C. Comics to compete with Marvel aside for a moment.

Superman was a alien baby adopted by American Farmers with a wholesome upbringing. So far so good. Because he was not from around here, he experienced super strength. Also cool. I liken it to Neil Armstrong jumping super high on the moon. The gravitational pull was less on the moon than earth, there for Neil was superman on the moon. Earth does not have a ready supply of kryptonite at it’s disposal. That was Superman’s regular gravity. When exposed he became weak – not even “normal human strength” which was weird and tells me all Kryptopnite men are wusses. They can’t even hold their own heads up? How unattractive. At any rate, this made Superman the MAN here on Earth and more importantly, in Metropolis the Big Peach.

Now, Superman was in love with Lois Lane. She might as well been called Plain Jane. She was smart, top of her field, cunning and crafty. She was a woman who knew what she wanted, set goals and was supportive of Superman. All the things any boy’s mom hopes her son will find. Superman agrees and asks Lois to marry him and she accepts.

He says thaat to her and she says yes????

Superman was never happy with being with a woman who was smart, funny a perfect match for him. She wasn’t stunningly beautiful but he said to her, it’s what inside that counts. Really Superman? You fed her a line and she bought it. She was pretty enough but not quite what Superman was looking for. Sure she went a little Batshit crazy – who wouldn’t? The circumstances were difficult. But underneath it all she was who she said she was and loved him unconditionally. Likely the greatest love he will ever know. Soon Superman became bored with Lois. She challenged him too much, she supported his choices and loved him unconditionally. She lacked the hotness factor. Superman was looking into his past and started to rekindle a love lost. 

Enter Lana Lang, childhood Vixen. Okay, she was sweet and slightly more vivacious than Lois. But she wasn’t as smart, or as devoted. Superman dumps Lois and has an emotional affair with Lana. Lois blames herself, Superman blames Lois, fans think Superman should have never married Lois in the first place.

Not sure what happens next but I woke up this morning to find out Superman was snogging Wonder Woman and all I can think is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don’t doooooooo it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He can’t be trusted. Sure his outward persona is all upstanding and honorable, but the man inside is a lying cheat listening to his manparts sans the brain. Seriously! What the hell is she thinking? Sure he is successful – always wins. He works hard, there is no doubt about it. The guy has two jobs and one is physically demanding! If her job is to bring love, peace and sexual equality to the world, why pick a misogynist like Superman? Everyone knows you cannot change your man!

I get the attraction, I get the feelings and emotions, I get wanting to be needed. But a person can only take so much rejection. Wonder Woman would be better off with Batman or Ironman. They are smart, successful men WITHOUT the superhero persona. AND if things go south – and it will, Superman will dump her for not being somethingenough – she at least will get a decent settlement so she doesn’t have to take a shit job to feed her babies. Superman is a journalist. We all know the piece work pay is crap for writers.

See? Superman is a tool. But for the love of smart women everywhere Wonder Woman, start making smart choices!

The Tale of the Ninja Attack

 

You heard correctly, I was ambushed by a ninja – yet live to tell the tale. I was lounging on my deck reading something intellectually stimulating like Diane Chamberlain, when the sky began to darken  and my eReader started to get wet. I felt extreme disappointment because this time was specifically put aside for reading outside. Little did I know, it was all part of the plan.

 

A few days before, Edmonton suffered through an incredible storm that brought hail that resembled a snow storm and rain drops that were 2cm in diameter. My furniture had just completely dried and I was not willing to allow my sofa cushions to relive a torrential downpour twice in one week. So I began the unpleasant task of bringing the cushions into my living room when I was attacked.

 

I am positive it was a ninja attack because it came out of no where. I nearly completed my job when it happened. I was walking through my wooden screen door. You know the kind, they squeak when you open it, it doesn’t stay open by itself because of the big spring on it and it makes a loud smack as it shuts. At this point it all becomes a blur because it happened so fast.

 

I remember being hit in the face with something sharp and all I could see was the red cushion coming at me in an attempt to smother my screams.

étoile ninja = shaken Español: Los shuriken o ...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As quickly as it happened, it ended. I heard no one. I saw no one. Yet I KNOW someone just tried to kill me. My own stealthy moves had me on high alert. I practice Ninja Yoga with some regularity so I am confident in my stealth skills. With lightning agility, I quickly moved into the living room before the monsoon hit. I assessed the damage and scanned the room for a witness of a predator. I found neither.

 

I let my fingers scan the flesh on my face and discovered a slight scratch. Nothing serious, I had experienced greater boughts of pain before, I could easily let this slide.

 

The rain ended as quickly as it began and I moved the cushions back out to the deck and resumed my reading. What is odd about this situation is every day since the scratch on my face has become a deeper red – it is as if I had been poisoned by a Hira-Shuriken – for those of you not familiar with ninja lingo, you civilians refer to it as a “Ninja Star” or “Throwing Star”. Enemies will often lace their hira-shuriken with poison or other bacteria that would cause an infection that could lead to death.

 

I am stealthy enough to have had the Hira-Shuriken miss my eyes, yet I was unable to avoid complete collision because let’s be honest here, I am not a professional ninja, I am just a ninja enthusiast. I use those skills to enhance my superhero capabilities. I am not perfect.

 

The result is this:

 

See how it narrowly missed my eye? That is all because of skill on my part that I did not go blind.

 

 

The real problem is, I am tired of telling people I was attacked by a Ninja. Everyone is always asking me what happened. So I’ve started saying “pillow fight” for several reasons:

 

  1. I need to keep my superpowers on the down-low for obvious reasons. I need to be able to take on an opponent and take them by surprise. The ninja incident was a good reminder of that.
  2. Being a Superhero is a VOLUNTEER position people! I can’t have it get out to too many people or I will never earn a paycheck. Only the lucky superheros get on with big government agencies. The rest of us do it out of love – but love don’t pay the rent!
  3. The more my name becomes recognizable, the more famous I become and therefore my children, family and friends will become targets. They always hurt the ones you love the most.

Meanwhile, I need to find an antidote or by a tube of polysporin. No mom I did not go to the doctor and yes my shots are up to date, you don’t need to call. The time for resting is over – we must be vigilant.

 

The good news? I am going to have a kick-ass scar – eat your heart out Black Widow.

 

 

 

The Superhero of My Awake

I stayed up too late last night. I won’t bore you with the details, but I was finishing When God Was a Rabbit. I loved that book and needed to finish it. So 1:30 rolls around and I realize my alarm is going to go off 5 hours and 15 minutes, so I reluctantly shut it down with 1 1/2 chapters to go. I finished it over breakfast.

I walked around in a Zombie like state this morning. Autopilot has become a friend to me. Coping not living, trying to get everything done in my life and trying to do it well. I stumbled to my coffee maker and turned it on. It’s a Keurig and I love it. One cup of perfect coffee coming right up. I heat up 1cup of milk ( to satisfy my dietician I drink my milk in my coffee, milk on its own is nasty) then place my kickass Mary Poppins Mug on my coffee maker. I load my machine with some fabulous K-Cup, today was Newman’s Own Bold…Daaaayammmm its a good cup of coffee! The sound the coffee makes as it trickles into my cup makes my spine tingle. The first sip was a hallelujah moment.

This gave me an idea.

I am going to write a theme song for my first cup of coffee. Not some lameass high kick number you see for Viagra commercials, but something that feels powerful, strong and confident. Something like a Superhero theme song. Catchy, yet makes you want to take on the world. My coffee deserves a theme song.

If my coffee could talk he would be Italian, strong, confident and full-bodied. One taste and I would be singing his praises. I can picture him now…he is starting to look like Danny Ocean…with a cape.

I do love a man with a cape, or webs or a big hammer. Hell, I like a man to hand me a cup of joe and say good morning with silence.

The perfect morning = silence + coffee

Maybe I need a perfect morning to start with ENOUGH SLEEP the night before + silence + coffee. That sounds perfect, I can provide the cape.

 

My Arch Nemesis is…Photocopier.

Today was one of those technological disaster days. The Fax, the Phone, the Internet and the Photocopier all kicked me in the shin today, spit on my shoe and laughed in my face. Oh yeah? Well I don’t like you very much either technology!!

In my workplace we work in teams. Each of us has a specific strength. When one person is away, the rest of us miss them terribly! My strengths are techno evil genius, and bossy boots. I need to clarify the techno evil genius. As far as technology goes, I am the one who does not fear it. I am very familiar with it because I will stand up to technology and laugh in its face. I refuse to let it think it is smarter than me. If it cheeks me, I will unplug it. Shortly there after it is sorry and we are friends once again.

Today was one of those days that it needed to avenge its pride. There it was taunting me and teasing me, generally making me feel bullied. It knew my side kick was away.

Every superhero/evil genius has a side kick, Batman and Robin, Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, and even Dr. Evil and Mini Me. My side kick or partner in crime, broke her leg 14 days ago and I miss her terribly. In her absence arrived this amazing creature who could easily be  Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow from Ironman 2 except for one small very minor detail, technology scares her. She is the first to admit she is a magnet for techno disaster. 14 days later, the office technology decided to test her prowess. She has an abundance of it in every aspect except techno wizardry. Everything, except the electric pencil sharpener decided to put the Black Widow to the test. She battled valiantly, but in the end she didn’t win. She came to get me.

The phone, fax and internet was an easy fix, I am a whiz when it comes to these forms. The photocopier is another story, it is my partner’s area of expertise.  Everyone sat around at lunch looking at this beast saying things like “to bad your partner in crime wasn’t here” and “I guess we won’t be using it for a while”.  Thanks for the vote of confidence people!

I rolled up my sleeves and stood before the photocopier. I assumed the super hero stance, you know the one, hands on hips, feet shoulder width apart, steely gaze emitting from eyes. I was showing Photocopier who was boss. Then it spit on my shoe and mocked me. HOW DARE IT! It was flashing mumbo jumbo and tips on how to fixed it. I was tricked into listening to it. Photocopier, you are a liar! You weren’t trying to help me, you wanted to thwart me! I wasn’t going to stand for your taunting any longer. So as all Service Techs will ask you, Did you turn off the main power switch at the back of the machine and unplug it? YES I DID Service Tech! I am not your average amateur! I left Photocopier defenseless as I went back to my real job of not being a techno wizard. HA HA Photocopier, are you scared now sitting alone in the dark waiting for someone to save you in the morning?

I really hope my partner finds out she does not need surgery tomorrow. I really hope she comes back while I am on vacation. If she has to be away longer I fear the technology will rise up against my team and create a chaos that may leave them literally in the dark.

As part of my Tourist journey, I need to be courageous in the face of technology. Keeping up with changes and embracing the new. I need to be current for my sake, for my career and for my offspring. I never want to be the adult where the offspring pat me on the head and say here mom, let me fix it. So to achieve that goal I need to start with two things: I need a good sleep and extra Euros. I need to sleep to face Photocopier and teach it a lesson. I need the Euros to buy more chocolate for my team.

Until we meet tomorrow Photocopier!