The Edmonton Tourist’s Favorite Alternative to Oprah’s Favorite Things 2012

Appreciative Audience
Appreciative Audience (Photo credit: freelancing god)

Let’s be honest here for a minute Oprah, you know I love you but unless I am part of the studio audience that gets the lovely gifts from your favorite things episode, we both know I ain’t gettin’ any of those things under the tree this year NOR am I gifting them. Why you ask? Well Sweetheart, I don’t have sponsors (yet – I am leaving my options open) and I am not on Forbes wealthy women list either. I will give you this, you have fiiiiiiiiiine taste and I will leave it at that. I decided to give my readers some Tourist Options when it comes to your Favorite Things List 2012

  1. Lafco Soap Set for $238. Ummm no, it’s soap and ONLY 14 bars of it. for the same amount of money I can get a lovely key pendant from Tiffany &Co. Soap that smells nice is lovely. Dove smells nice and for $1.99 you can have a bath size bar! Dove also sends a positive message to women. Now I love Dove but for that special occasions when you need a little pampering? Put Bay leaves in your bathwater. It is relaxing and I am sure your granny will let you take one when you are at her house for Thanksgiving Dinner this week.
  2. Octane Fitness Q37ci Elliptical Trainer
    $3,099, now $2,789 with coupon (expires Dec 31, 2012) That is an awfully expensive clothes hanger. Walmart sells a bundle of hangers for $3.99 – plastic and functional.
  3. Jetson E-Bike $1800 but there is a coupon code if you click the link. It is a very nice bike. I like my bike to be a bit more functional and less pretty. Who are we kidding, I won’t ever ride the thing in the first place. I’d rather swim, walk or run. Bus pass is a nice green alternative $89 for the month depending which city you live in.
  4. Giro Sport Design Reverb Helmet $48. Now IF you give a bike as a gift, give a helmet. It is the law here but maybe not where you live. Safety First People! However, a bike helmet will look stupid with your bus pass so may I suggest a toque? My family’s toque of choice is the Jayne Hat (Firefly Geek alert) but any great hat will do! My sister will knit it for the cost of a ball of yarn slightly more maybe depending on how happy she is when you ask her. Let’s say $5.00, I am sure she won’t mind.
  5. H2O+ Marine Spa Gift Set $98  with coupon code. I think it is worth it. I use this stuff because when I stayed at the Disneyland Grand Californian Hotel it was the hotel soap and shampoo. This stuff is so fabulous I paid $40 for shampoo when I left (after hoarding all the samples they leave in the room – and chocolate) So I will take advantage of this deal. the only alternative I can think of is actually going to stay at the Hotel in Disneyland and if you factor in airfare, theme park tickets and food, $98 is looking like a sweet deal! Buy it.
  6. Ralph Lauren Cable V-Neck Sweater   First of all, this is SUCH an Oprah sweater, don’t you think? For $198 I can buy 4 sweaters from the Gap, but they say GAP not RALPH LAUREN. That is a big deal to some people. I will wear a sweater forever and I am sure it feels fabulous. But I think no, not this year. Gap it is! $50.
  7. Coach Puffers  $458 for a Coach jacket. I am all about Coach but I shop Factory Coach because I can get 3 purses for $199. I don’t think $500 for a down jacket is that bad, except it better be rated for -40 and I think it’s not. I mean it’s Coach. It’s not meant to be functional. Down Jacket at the Sport Check $200 AND rated for cold Canadian Winters.
  8. Bougainvillea Bangles $31 sure they are nice but my sister can get those at the dollarama 4 for $1. How often are you going to wear them anyways?
  9. Tory Burch Michelle Tote $395. A great bag is worth it in my books but you can always get great bags at Winners. They had Tory Burch Michelle last week for $125. It’s Winners, go often.
  10. Julep Nail Polish Set $168? I don’t pay that for a mani AND a pedi. OPI $25 set of 5 colours you will only use once.
  11. Tusk Capri Double Zip Checkbook Clutch $138 for a bag that holds your wallet stuff and your phone to put in your bag? Whaaaaaa? If your purse is that big, re-think OR only buy bags with pockets on the side for your cell phone and wallet – all great bags have them! If yours isn’t a great bag, dollarama has makeup bags for $1 AND they come in fashionable-ish patterns. The best part? It holds your wallet, your phone and lipstick! You still have to fish around for it, but you were anyways for $138!

I am not going to go through Oprah’s entire list of 60 items, I think you get my point. Please feel free to contact me if you need an alternative for an Oprah gift, I am only too happy to help! Now, lets look at how much I saved you:

Oprah Top 11 Gift Total = $5787

The Edmonton Tourist’s Oprah alternatives = $516.98

That is a total savings of $5270.02!!

You’re welcome.

Step by Step Chenille Baby Quilt

I was frustrated with the lack of detailed instructions for making a chenille  baby quilt. Sure I could find all types of instructions, but I wanted information for someone who has never made a quilt before. I never did find one complete with picture and non-quilter lingo.

 

I love the feel of chenille and flannel. For a baby or and young child, these seem like the ideal cuddle blanket. To make the same one I have, you will need the following,

  • 5 meters of flannel – I used the same print for the front and back. When choosing the fabric for the chenille, I pulled colours from the printed fabric so it would coordinate.
  • .5 meter of flannel for the binding. Some people use a satin binding pre-packed from the fabric store. I find satin doesn’t hold up well to many washings. Since this is a baby quilt, it WILL be washed many times over. Flannel is soft too and you have the advantage of using the background fabric or contrast, the choice is unlimited.
  • 1 spool of Mettler No.100 274 meter poly-cotton thread. Old thread sitting in your sewing box will lose it’s integrity and will break frequently. Spring for a new spool.
  • 1 #11 sharp needle for your sewing machine. You may break it, but if it is new it is sharp enough to poke through 5 layers of flannel. Less chance of breakage. You needle dulls over time, so consider changing it after 25 hours of sewing.
  • Rotary cutter or a sharp pair of shears (large scissors used ONLY FOR FABRIC).
  • If using shears, you will need tailors chalk in a colour that contrast with your fabric.
  • Large ruler or omnigrid. I prefer an omnigrid because of the lines to ensure a straight cut.
  • Cutting mat if using a rotary cutter.
  • Binding clips (these look like hair clips – wait they ARE hair clips that I bought at the dollar store!)
  • Safety pins
  • Iron and ironing board
  • obviously a sewing machine – you could hand sew this but I would die of boredom, you good luck to you! I have a walking foot attachment on my machine. You can purchase a roller foot if you don’t have one. It helps to pull all the layers through the machine together at the same rate, so there is less slippage and puckering.
  • Seam guide attachment – this prevents marking the quilt and helps with guiding you to creating a straight seam…helps but you still have to take ownership 😉
  • small thread scissors

 

I didn’t use a quiltbat because flannel is warm. I wanted a floppy feel to the quilt so the child can drag it around like Linus does. If you decide to use a quilt bat, use a thin cotton so shrinkage stays the same. Buy extra needles because 6 layers of fabric is

I had the gal at the fabric store cut my 2m of background fabric in half. Sure I could do it but, why do I want to when she is willing and able? I had her cut the .5 meter separate as well too. Then I knew I could get straight to work.

I never pre-wash anything. Shocking right? There are several reasons for this.

  1. the sizing on the fabric ( its like a starch added to the fabric in production) keeps the fabric stiff and easier to work with, especially cutting!
  2. I like the look of shrinkage after the quilting (quilting is the sewing of the layers together) is done. It wrinkles between the quilting and it makes it look vintage and pre-loved.
  3. Fabric rarely runs any more. I have never had that problem and when I do, I dunk the entire quilt into a tea bath and dye it to even out the colours. Again, a nice vintage look.
  4. When working with raw edge flannel, the more fraying the better.
  5. The binding shrinks at the same rate as the quilt, less pressing (ironing) and sharper corners when mitering.

I layered my fabric on the floor in the following order:

The Quilt base:

  1. Background fabric
  2. Quiltbatting – I omitted this step
  3. Top fabric – Be careful to place these two pieces of fabric WRONG sides together. The good side of the fabric will be on the bottom and on the top. Wrong sides are sandwich together inside the quilt.

The chenille – layered next on top of the “top fabric”

  1. Print – right side down, so the top right side and the print right side are touching. This fabric will be the dominant colour throughout your quilt. Choose wisely.
  2. Second colour – right side down
  3. Third colour – right side up.

Layering is the most important step and crucial to get right. The fabric will not be straight or square. That is okay, we will square it up after sewing the layers together.

Pin all the layers together with safety pins about every 8″ apart.  Straight pins will work but they will stab you once you are at the machine. Straight pins will also fall out, jeopardizing the integrity of the carefully matched layers.

For the chenille process to work, you must sew on the bias. The bias is the diagonal direction of the fabric – the stretchy part. I started at the corner and sewed a “straight line” to the other corner. First of all, I did not sew a straight line because I did not mark it out. Secondly, this is not a square quilt so I ‘eyeballed’ it. I am not a perfectionist. The Amish who are near perfect quilters always add a humility block because only God is perfect. So I am lazy AND not perfect. It works for me. The only one who will notice are other quilters, babies don’t care about perfection, they just want to be warm and to be cuddled.

I set the seam guide attachment at one inch from the needle.

Once I had sewn the first seam, I would line that seam up on the elbow of the seam guide and use that as my seam allowance.  I had a quilted seams through 5 layers of fabric every inch. I sewed half the quilt on the diagonal so it appeared to look like a half-square triangle (half the quilt = triangular quilt lines). The other half of the quilt I sewed perpendicular to the original quilt seams.

Once the sewing was complete, I cut the top 3 layers of the fabric between the seam lines. You can purchase a chenille cuter from Olfa, but for $56 I figured I could use my scissors. Be careful to only cut the top 3 layers or you will cut your quilt in to strips and have to start all over again. I am happy to report I did it correctly!

 

It was at this point when I thought i should have set my seam guide to 3/4″, the chenille would have been shorter and closer together. However, i do like the finished product of being able to see the top or background fabric.
After cutting, i used my Omni Grid Large Square to cut and square off the quilt. At some sections of the quilt I had cut off a good 1 1/2″. The important part is to have the sides fairly straight and the corners true. This makes a difference when sewing on the binding. I have seen many demos where a dinner plate is used to round the corners. People tend to do that when they are unsure of how to miter a corner. Don’t worry, I have your back. I’ll show you how.

The Double Fold Binding

I use a double fold binding to had body and weight to the quilt, and it is a more durable option for quilts that will be laundered frequently.

I carefully folded my 1/2m with salvage edges together (the edges of the fabric that is finished from the factory, not the cut edge from the store). I line up the salvages and cut them off and discard.

Then I measure a two inch strip and cut using the rotary cutter. I cut 6 of these strips. You really only need 5 and a bit for this size quilt, but I like to have lots of extra for the mitered corners.

Piece together the 6 strips of 2″ flannel so you have a very long single piece of binding.

Fold fabric in half so you have a 1″ narrow binding and press. (Press not iron because you do not want to stretch or shrink your binding before it gets on the quilt)

Finger pin (because I hate the extra step of real pins, I just hold it with my fingers) the raw edge of the binding to the raw edge of the TOP of the quilt.

Start about 6″ away from the corner. Never start the binding at the corner.It is easier to hide the extra fabric of  the finished binding on the side of a quilt rather than the corner. Sew the binding using the edge of your pressure foot as the seam guide around the raw edge of the quilt top. Ensure the pressed fold is “elbow” down. Once you meet the beginning of the binding, fold the start over about 1/2″ and continue to sew the binding over top for about an inch. it will be bulkier but there will be no raw edges and thus will be a sturdier binding.

Fold the binding over the the edge using the pressed elbow crease at the cover of the quilted layers. The pressed crease should fit over the edge of the quilt giving it a finished look.

Flip over the quilt to the backside.

Fold the raw edge of the binding under towards the pressed crease. Using binding clips hold the binding in place, ready for a blind hem stitch.

 

The Mitered Corner

There is a trick to it and if you are able to watch a video it might make more sense. To me a mitered corner is what sets quilts apart. It has a polished and professional look.

Sew your seam and stop 1/4″ from the edge of the corner. If you are using the pressure foot as your seam allowance, it is that distance you need to stop from the edge of the quilt.

Back stitch to lock your stitches and keep the binding secure.

Insert a pin on the diagonal from the corner. This will be the miter guide.

Fold the fabric up allowing it to be guided by the pin.

Remove pin and hold in place with your fingers. Fold fabric back down along side the edge of the fabric  – be careful not to lose the mitered fold.

Sew from the edge of the binding and back-stitch to lock into place. Keep sewing and repeat steps for every corner.

Flip binding over the quilt. Use a blind stitch to secure the miter.

If this is your first mitered corner, you should practice on scrap until you have the hang of it. Then do it on the big quilt. I have a practice sample I made the mitered corner, complete with my hand writing all over it with tips and tricks notes for me.

Once the binding is completed, hand stitch the backside with a blind stitch.

Trim all your threads and get ready for the fun part.

This is my completed pre-washed quilt. You can see slight ruffles starting to happen. You will notice at the top the yellow ends and the green begins. I didn’t pay attention to the width of the fabric. The yellow was a smaller width from the rest. I used it anyways and I liked the colour variation it gave.

I washed and dried it using regular soap and fabric softener. Then dried it twice in the tumble dryer. Being so thick it needed two dry cycles.

Once I removed it, I cut all the loose threads. It stopped being so yellow and the plaid of the under-fabric became the main colour. Here is a close up of the chenille.

After holding this quilt for a while, I entertained the thought of making a larger one for cold winter movie nights. Likely won’t happen, but who knows?

It took me 4 hours to sew and cut the quilt and 2 hours to bind it. I did it over a two-day period. The closer together the chenille, the more sewing involved. That is what takes the time – and all the cutting. The more frequent the washing, the softer it gets.

So tell me, have you made one? How did it go?

Cruising with a Side of Sophistication

Way back in the early 80’s when I had big hair, a tail (omg I know…) tight jeans and leg warmers…again – I know…   I would cruise for fun. Living in Sherwood Park – the ‘burb of Edmonton – I can tell you there was not much to do if you didn’t bowl or curl. I did neither unless it was for PhysEd. My friends and I walked endlessly around Sherwood Park. I have never been as fit since those days.

For curiosity sake, I went to map my runs and plotted out our typical route. On an average day we would log 11km. (  <—- see that number? weird isn’t it?) 11km would take us past all the houses that held boys in it that we were hoping to glimpse at. Of course we would DIE if we actually saw or talked to one of these boys. We were much more comfortable talking to strange guys. Not that they were strange and creepy…okay Bob was, but the rest were okay! This is what we did without wheels. No movies, no job, swimming would ruin our hair and makeup and god forbid someone would see us in our bathing suits! OH to look that fabulous now.

Then one day, my sister (ok, she isn’t really MY sister, she is my mom’s sister but we were closer in age and in fact still extremely close) bought a Gold Pontiac Firebird. It was smokin’! She would let us pile in and cruise around. ACTUAL CRUISING! We thought we were all that and more…you know what I mean…

The tunes were cranked, Loverboy Get Lucky blasting out the windows and we would just smile at the boys….. ahhhh good times, good times…

Since my cruising days are over, hard to look cool in a Kia Rondo – Mom car ( in my defense I need the leg and head room for the boy – he is tall and so are his friends and grocery room – teen boys are EATING MACHINES) I have resigned myself to just looking at cars.

I love an Aston Lola, Jag, Beemer or Mercedes. I’m not fussy. I think muscle cars are for middle age men. Women like me need elegance and sophistication. Something that makes my hair and nails look good. Something that shows off my MKors as I slide my legs out of the car. Something that says “she has it all going on”. Kia Rondo says “mom”.

As luck would have it, I was at the Canada Day family festivities yesterday when the chicken needed to be picked up. We have food catered because we are busy people and do not want to spend the day slaving away in the kitchen on our day off – if we had a day off. Lots of us worked on Canada Day. My Sister – who is really my Aunt – T is what I always called her…always. T said to her hubs “take me to pick up the chicken in the Mercedes” pppppppppppprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

She said Mercedes. T’s brand new car. I could smell the newness from the living room. I said, I’ll go with you. So we grabbed the keys and went.

She showed me all the luciousness outside and inside and all the bits and bobs it can do. She hasn’t figured it all out yet but who cares. The important thing was we had a good hair day going on so we would look FAB.

Proof we were in the car. This thing was awesome. It had 2 sunroofs – front and back. Warning lights to let you know if you are too close to the car in front. Camera and Video screen to see what behind you  – nothing was see?

We took a “wrong turn” and had to go the long way to pick up the food… how disappointing. I checked my self out in every mirror to see how I looked driving in a Mercedes. I looked FABULOUS! I must get myself one. Now before that happens, I need to either stop working in non profit OR Tell George to hurry up and make an honest woman out of me. Stupid Future ex husbands…

Here is the slide show of this cars awesomeness – your welcome.

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Faith, Hope and Trust and a little bit of Pixie Dust

Jiminy Cricket / Pepe GrilloIt is no secret that I love the magic of Disney. There is something about the way I feel as I wander down Main Street. I am suddenly transported back to my very first visit.

I was six. As with most of the great vacations of my life, the entourage was present. The faces have changed over the years and new ones were born to be added to the entourage, but there is something about traveling with a large group of people you love being with that makes the vacation that more special. The cast of characters were my parents, my brother (1 1/2 years my jr.), my mom’s baby sister (6 years my senior), my moms friend from childhood (they were friends since they were 10) and her husband and young sister.

Now, memories that stick out for me were sitting on the sidewalk watching the parades go by. I remember meeting Mickey and being so nervous I thought I might spew right on Main Street and singing on the balcony at the Motel 6 with my Aunt. We were famous for putting on song and dance shows and were constantly in rehearsal preparing for that day when we would have a show of our own…we are still waiting by the way, but we are still prepared!

My Aunt bought a box of lemon drops from the Candy shop on Main Street. It was a clear square plastic box with Jiminy Cricket figurine fix firmly to the lid. She doled them out sparingly, savouring the memory that it provided. The memory was the thrill and excitement of Disneyland seen through our eyes. We saw Magic. The amazing part of it all is I can walk down Main Street at the age of 44 and STILL see the magic I saw as a child of 6. That is why I love that place so much. I remember the feeling, the smells, the sounds and being incredibly happy. Inside the box of lemon drops once it was empty-ish…was tiny sparkles of sugar. At the time I knew it to be Pixie Dust. The magical sparkles from Tinkerbelle. The very dust that offered magic at your finger tips so you could fly.

Being the person I am, I licked my finger and stuck it in the pixie dust when no one was looking. I carefully examined the dust on my fingers. I thought about sprinkling it in my hair and thinking a good thought so I could fly. However, I owned a cape and could fly with it instead. Careful not to waste this pixie dust, I licked it.

Eating the pixie dust would ensure I carried it with me forever. Imagine having the possibility of being forever magical. I was going to make it happen.

I licked my finger.

I swallowed it.

I was forever magical.

The thing about pixie dust, and Peter Pan will tell you this, you need to have faith and hope and trust. I did for many years. Then one day I forgot.

Years later I was browsing in a chachky store and saw a beautiful crystal bowl filled with fine white and silver glitter. Perched on the side was a tiny silver spoon. The tag said fairy dust. I knew it was a typo. I knew they meant Pixie Dust. I wanted to buy it then and there but I didn’t. The practical me had a baby and a toddler at home. I knew they would have fistfuls in their eyes and on my carpet in no time. So I left it in that store for a someday.

Yesterday’s post triggered that memory for me. I think it’s time to put out the Pixie Dust as a reminder tha magic is everywhere and I just need to believe.

All I need is some faith, hope and a little bit of Pixie Dust.

 

Showing off a little skin with flirtatious glimpse of beautiful lingerie

I come from a long line of curvy, voluptuous, gorgeous women who don’t mind showing off a little skin with flirtatious glimpse of beautiful lingerie. I learned the subtleties and nuances of successful innuendos at the early age of 10 while in Europe with my family.

I was 10 the year my family summered in Europe ( fancy speak for 6 weeks in a caravan crammed with 7 people who smelled like  – to coin a term my dad used – the inside of an apes armpit) We had been travelling the continent and had already explored Belgium, The Netherlands, and Germany. The wonders of a caravan include being self-contained and self-sufficient. Language being a barrier and GPS not available for use in those days left us relying on maps and stumbling upon unexpected surprises. Some were glorious, and some meant sleeping alongside of a road in the night. Shower facilities we not always available. By the time we stumbled into Lucerne, Switzerland, my mother and grandmother were ready to de-funkify the caravan and throw us all into a bubble bath, clean clothes and soft clean sheets.

My brother and I were sleeping in a hammock-type bunk (two bars with a length of fabric running between the two) for the entire trip. Being able to snuggle into a warm cozy, soft, bed for a few nights was delicious! So, Dad backed the caravan up to the designated door and the entire entourage piled out, each carrying a load up to the rooms.

In those days, my mom was a dishy twenty-something gorgeous blonde, tiny waist, lean legs and girly curves in all the right places. She definitely turned some heads. That particular day, after freshening up, my mother wore navy blue shorts (that showed off the gams) and a white halter top that tied in the front – enhancing the curvy effect. She was making copious amount of trips up and down the stairs while our dad had taken the 3 kids (me included) out exploring. When we returned from feeding the swans (DO visit Lucerne, it is very lovely!) We entered the room to hear about the progress mom and Gran were making. My mom commented on the lecherous stares the hotel clerk kept making at her. Picture Hervé Villechaize from Fantasy Island leering at my mom. The clerk was a dead ringer for him only about 6″ taller. Dad replied in his calm, cool, unassuming, totally blind kind of way…Don’t worry about. I took one look at mom and said, “Mom your halter top has flipped up and he can see through your bra.”

For the record, Canadians as a species are not as free and open as Europeans are. My mom was mortified. Yes her bra was pretty, yes she looked fabulous, but she did not want to be sharing THAT much of herself with the front desk clerk.

Weeks later, we were in the south of France, very close to the Mediterranean. We had found a campground that had showers! Hallelujah! After the dinner dishes were all cleaned up and beds were being put together for nightfall, people from all over the campground started walking down to the showers… NAKED. You can imagine the shock and surprise from a 10 year old Canadian girl who was taught to always wear a robe over her jammies! Hindsight tells me I shouldn’t have been surprised after spending the day on the pebble beaches of Niece. There were naked people everywhere! I was over dressed by being in a one-piece tank. My dad loved the south of France.

As I watched men and women walk to the showers, I heard my grandma tell me to get crack-a-lacking. Before I knew it, there was my Gran walking down the road in her panties and bra with a towel. I was HORRIFIED!

Keep in mind; this is the mother of my dishy blonde mom. Gran  -without telling her age – is 40 years older than me. So…yes Gran was gorgeous and voluptuous in those days too. In fact, she met a fellow in England that trip who thought she was utterly delightful and we used THAT relationship for all it’s worth….but that is a story for another time.

I joined the women of the entourage down to the showers, but I was dressed in full head to toe garb. Not showing an inch or skin. My Aunt and I took turns holding up a towel while the other bathed so others could not catch a glimpse of skin. Ahhhh youth. Now I know we made a bigger scene than if we had just followed suit. Once again I bow to the wisdom of the older generations.

To make it fair, now it is my turn to share…

I was 16 with a tiny waist and curves in the right places. Long legs accentuated by my love of pink heels and a tiny hound’s-tooth mini skirt that buttoned up the back. I was the director of the children’s choir for our parish. I would stand with my rear for all to see in front of the entire congregation. It was Christmas Eve and the building was standing room only. Everyone had a great view of my behind, including the fellows I found incredibly attractive – yet too shy to approach. Somehow we fought through the nerves of children and made it to the final hymn. I had turned around and stood with my choir for announcements. One of the girls whispered into my ear that my skirt was undone and my pretty pink micro panties were giving the congregation quite the peep show. You can imagine how thrilled a 16 year old would feel about THAT revelation!

Why am I sharing these stories with you? Well, an incident happened of the holidays that reminded me of the skin, lingerie, and sexiness the women in my family possess. I was in a shop the other day wearing no jacket because winter forgot to come to Edmonton this year. I was getting lecherous stares from a couple of seniors in the corner (first of all, seniors? wow – lost my touch). The gal at the counter was kind enough to inform me my zipper was indeed undone and showing off my lacy black underthings….and my blouse was unbuttoned as well…giving the world a peep of matching lingerie that I had not intended to share.

I am not sure if I should be proud of the fact that I purchase pretty panties, and come from a time honored tradition of flirtatious skin and lace peeping OR I need to take the time to check the mirror before I leave.

Zip Your Lip

Did you every see the Adam Sandler Movie You Don’t Mess with the Zohan? I saw it years ago, and yes I laughed with a guilt that only comes from knowing you are laughing about a cultural difference is wrong on many levels…yet I laughed anyways. For those of you who do not feel the need to rush out and queue it up on Netflix, I will give you the basic premise so my blog today will have a frame of reference for you.

Adam Sandler plays  Zohan, an Israeli Special Forces Soldier who fakes his death so he can re-emerge in New York City as a hair stylist.

Let’s fast forward to yesterday. I was shopping with my Honey and ChatterBox. We were looking for swimsuits, phone chargers, Apple TV, and Coach Bags. Yes I bought my very first Coach Bag, she is beautiful and I love her more than my Offspring $15 boots that were a great find! While we were walking down the mall, we passed a kiosk where a man was holding a tray of salt and offered me some. Now I am never going to turn down a free hand scrub, so I accepted it. Massaging the salt into my hands was a tremendous stress reliever. I look at the fellow who offered it to me and he bluntly asked me, why have you never done anything about your Rosacea? I defended my position and exclaimed I did! I just have redness and not the acne associated with it. My new friend said (in a thick Israeli accent) “No no no no no, you are Scottish, Irish, or English, No? I can tell because those women always came to my salon in Israel looking for treatment and only I could help. I tell you what, I fix your rosacea, you zip your lip about the price, and we have a deal, no? Here, you sit, I be back.”

He had me charmed! I was memorized by his crass humor and his stereotypical behavior. To me, I was talking to Zohan aka Adam Sandler. The resemblance was uncanny! The mannerisms were identical!

He continued on ” Here you sit, you are too tall for me, I cannot reach. You know what they say, everyone is the same size in bed.” He just shrugged as he looked at Chatterbox, looking a tad bit remorseful. So I sat, I was getting a facial! WOOHOO! He went on to explain the importance of serum to repair my cheeks, “Now look, I put this on and boom, already it is better, No?” ChatterBox was all over it! She was WOW what a HUGE difference, while Honey looked and shrugged his shoulders saying he couldn’t tell. Then my new friend pulled out the collagen and put it on half my face Are you kidding me? That was an instant face-lift! Half my face lifted up towards my eyes. ChatterBox replied with a HOLY COW! My new friend then produced a mirror and said this was a “This is a $495 value, but because you are so beautiful, I will give it to you for $295 but zip your lip about the price. Here, take my arm and will walk over here.” I’m a sucker for an elbow being offered to me, so off I went to the cash register with him. He started writing it up and I said, I can’t afford this stuff! It’s too expensive. “Ok ok, here’s what I do for you, I throw in a facial, a $75 value, but you must come to my salon downtown”  Hold on there Tex! I cannot pay $300 for face cream, are you kidding me? “Ok ok, we can see you bought a Coach bag, you like fine things. Let me see what I can do” Off to his calculator he went, he made a LOT of frowny faces, and huffed and puffed, then he said ” Ok ok, I give you my manager’s discount. I only give my mother this discount, but you zip your lip and tell no one the fabulous deal I give. When they tell you how gorgeous you look, you send them to me. I do not want your mother, sister and all your friends to come to me looking for this deal, do we understand each other? $250 and it’s yours, only my mother should see such a deal!” $250! Are you kidding me? No, I cannot afford that. “You drive hard bargain, Ok ok, I sell you this jar for $125, still give you the facial, and then you can buy the serum at the facial if you still want it. That’s my bottom line.”

I looked over at my family, and I am killing myself laughing. There is no way I would spend that much money on face cream! Tiffany boxes – YES! Coach bags – YES! Face Cream? HA! No way Zohan. Mrs. Stadler has the nicest skin in my family, she uses No. 7 from Boots Drug Store. It is $30. I look at Zohan, put the coupon on the counter and give him a firm “No”

“That’s it? No, just like that? No? Really? No?” was what I heard as I walked away.

That was the most fun I had in a long time. He was hilarious. Go see him, just zip your lip about the price.

Facebook is Bossy

Facebook is starting to annoy me with it’s bossiness.

I had a rough day, and so did the team. Then I get a text from the Honey that he is working late. Not that it is a problem, it is the time of year that he works late. I am use to it and it is WAY BETTER now that the Offspring can feed, bathe and dress themselves. (Three cheers for Teenagers!) I head over to Facebook to decompress and it is telling me I need to buy this:

Really Facebook? You think doing dishes in an ugly sink is what I need? Facebook, YOU do the dishes, I am knackered. I read Brown Road Chronicles today and I can really relate. He talks about a sabbatical. Do you hear that Facebook? A sabbatical, not doing dishes in an ugly sink. Dishes just bring me down. I have enough stuff that bring me down, I don’t need chickens in my sink too. Facebook, You should send me away for uninterrupted sleep, I would buy that! A Full nights sleep, a full 12 hours of sleep in this room Facebook:

Then Facebook, you should let me soak in this bathroom that my favorite designer put together:

This bathroom has all my favorite things Facebook, books, a terry chair, wine, a lock on the door, not shampoo bottles on the tub. Brian Gluckstein knows what I want Facebook. You should call him.

Then Facebook, I want this view:

Facebook, this is a mid-century modern home over looking the Santa Ana’s only minutes away from Disneyland. This is what you should tell me to buy Facebook. Not an ugly kitchen sink with chickens looking at me while I wash dishes. Not very funny Facebook.