How did I get here? And other surreal moments

logofrontToday is my first post for my new team Do Away with SMA (DAWS). you can read some of it below and then link up to the rest of the post on the DAWS main page. I invite you to enter the draw for a DAWS prize pack, there are lots of great things including a Team DAWS running Tech Jersey, Sweaty Bands and other great prizes! Just click on the Rafflecopter photo under the post.

I am not an Ultra-runner or an elite athlete, I am not a lean running machine or a fitness junkie, I can barely get my training in for to many races that I sign up for. So how did I become a part of this amazing project for DAWS? Good question, I ask myself that question all the time.

When I first met Joe, I was just another geek who whose interests in fandom were a tad extreme. I was a ‘use to be’ athlete from my youth; I cycled, walked and swam for fun – not to be thin or fit. Those reasons had never crossed my mind.  When I met Joe, he was a just a guy who liked to write about his running adventures. It had never occurred to me how far a marathon was. I wasn’t properly impressed. All I thought was… read the rest and enter here http://600k4fsma.wordpress.com/2013/10/18/how-did-i-get-here/

Winter, you are a jerk

Winter is being a jerk.

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I was sitting in my office on, APRIL 19th, and looked out my window. Snowflakes the size of quarters were coming down. Had it been Christmas morning I would have thought, “Oh How Lovely!” Then carry on with the presents and food. BUT APRIL 19th?

THIS TOTALLY SUCKS!

As a winter protest, I am creating a list of things that are suppose to happen in Spring here in Edmonton.

  1. Hmmmm okay this is harder than I thought it would be. We don’t get spring in Edmonton.

It will snow on and off until the end of May. I know, I know… this is complete and utter lunacy. I am so over winter I can’t tell you how badly I want to hear robins on my front lawn or smell fresh cut grass.

In protest I went and bought 3 short sleeved running shirts and several pairs of ankle socks for running.

Apparently I am only hurting myself because today is a crappy cold and windy day with the odd snowflake here and there. There is no way I can run outside in my new running togs and stay warm.

In 10 days it will be May. On May 26th I am running my first 10km race. I don’t want to wear this:

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But seeing as I am racing in Alberta, odds are excellent that I will be wearing exactly that.

I have decided I will use a technique called planned ignoring. This is where you don’t reinforce negative behaviour, you ignore it. In this case WINTER is being a jerk so I will no longer pay attention to this bad behavior. No more pictures, no more winter clothing, no more tolerance. Winter will finally become tired of being ignored and go away or at the very least, change it’s attitude. From now on my stubbornness will finally come in handy. I will force winter to leave by not giving it what it needs. That’s right winter, your days are numbered!

Anyone up for a picnic?

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2013 is close, time to get cracking on setting some new goals!

December 29th and I am reading my last book of my 50 book goal this year. It feels good to know I finished out a goal I’ve set. My other goal, to run a 5k race didn’t pan out as planned. Recovery took the wind out of my sails. I am not a resolution maker, I am a goal setter. To me there is a tremendous difference. When I began the Edmonton Tourist Journey in the Summer of 2010, I had no idea where it would lead me. Learning to set goals has been life changing. Continuing in the tradition of the Edmonton Tourist, new goals need to be set of this upcoming year.

Resolution or resolve means to me thy will be done. In other words, I said I’d do therefore it should be and will be done. Where as goal setting is a bit different. To me it is something to work towards. To set a goal with the hopes of achieving it, plans have to be made.

My #1 goal for 2012 is to run in the Intact 10k and grab myself a medal. I can’t just run that the day of without training. I need to map out my fitness strategy and work towards that goal. Writing it down is a huge part of it as are the steps involved to achieve it. Improving my fitness level is part of that and I want to be FAST. Knowing that, I will be slow at first means big plans have to happen.

Step 1: continue on my weight-loss journey. I started this road back in January 2011, with the ups and downs I’ve had, I am proud to say I have managed to keep all the weight off I have lost so far and am committed to losing more. I don’t look at it as dieting but as a lifestyle change. It has become mostly habit with some minor indulgences. My new dietitian is brutal, kind and supportive. If I follow her advice, there is no doubt in my mind I can be another 40lbs lighter for the 10k race. That to me is fantabulous!

Step 2: Plan out my running schedule. I have a couple of on-line coaches. They give me advice and support my slowness due to injury. The plan is to run a 3 day schedule with a 2 day cross train, building up to 5k. This is so doable. I was there, then I needed to stop. I’ve been back out on the trails recently to see how my fitness level is. Well, it’s better than I hoped but it will still require some regressive steps to regain what I lost. For the record, illness sucks. Tomorrow I hit the trails for Day 2 of my 6 week plan.

Step 3: Run a 5k race. Running the race means I will be comfortable at a 5k pace long before I run the actual race. The plan is to be at a comfortable 7 0r 8 km distance by then so 5 km will feel easier to me. The race has been chosen by my Book Club Compadres, 2 are planning to run it with me and the others want to walk it. Color Me Rad happens in Calgary this year in July. We will make a weekend out of it that includes more fun than the race, but the race looks like more fun than I have had running EVER…and I like running!Color Me Rad

Step 4: Run the Intact 10k on marathon weekend.

Along the way I will need new running shoes as my Adidas wear out. My course load for University will finally end and all that will be needed is to fit in a practicum. This will bring to an end of a long term goal I set back in 2010. It feels good to set a goal that long ago and have it nearly completed! I will need to set up some goals for the fall as well. Nothing is worse than completing a major goal and have nothing to shoot for at the end of it. So The plan is to begin training for a half marathon – run it this time. Walking takes me too long. Running a half marathon will happen 2014, so that is a ways off, but I need to have it in my mind for visualization purposes. Because THAT’S how I roll!

So tell me…what goals are you thinking about and how will you achieve them?

Ode to AbronxTurtle: The 59th Street Mount Sonofabitchs song, or Not Feeling so Groovy.

Today my friend abronxturtle ran his 12th marathon in a year in an effort to raise money for the Dream Team. A group of runners who raise money for the Make-A-Wish foundation. He posted this on his facebook page:577801_4993828286128_1137167856_n

22 in. And here’s Mount Sonofabitch. 59th street bridge. – J. Kolinsky

What is remarkable to me is not that fact that he ran well over 314.4 miles this year. It was way more than that this year because he trained, ran half marathons, 5 and 10ks, and did numerous fun runs. I am not amazed that he ran 3 marathons ALONE without help, support, fan cheering or anyone to meet him at the finish line (okay, that’s a lie I am COMPLETELY AMAZED!). What is remarkable to me is he just decided to to this incredible task and so he did it.

Lots of people make New Years Resolutions and peter out around January 2. They lose momentum. Joe didn’t. He kept going. During these past 12 races he lost a tooth, sprained an ankle, ran with the Elvis’, defeated by Hurricane Sandy, ran hills like a roller coaster, bled, was bruised and batter, yet he still did it. He ran all those marathons just like he said he would. He never quit and if anyone had the right to it was him. He kept going because he told his daughter he would and he doesn’t like to let her down.

I have learned a lot from him over the years I have known him. I have learned from his mistakes and his success.

So Joe, now that you have ran 12 marathons in 12 months, what are you going to do? Oh right…going to Walt Disney World to run the Goofy. Congratulations my friend, you deserve a vacation in Walt Disney World, a medal and all the best.

You deserve to feel groovy.

Mindful Running


I crawled into bed last night and my muscles complained. I am starting to feel like I am 100.

I am not 100, I am 45. I cannot remember a time in recent memory (since I started this mo journey Jan,’11) that some muscle wasn’t upset about something I did. Secretly, I really like this feeling. I like when my belly aches from planks or swimming, I like when my legs burn from running. I like how tired I am at night.

At some point this week I reached the half way point of the C25k training program. So yesterday I ran the very first route I did  day one. I am not the person who will run the same route day in and day out. I need to switch it up. I do this for a couple of reason.

  1. Because running the same route is too boring for words. I am not running with music because I like to get out of my head, be mindful of what I am doing and I use it as a meditation. I have spent far too much of my life imagining and daydreaming about something else, this has been a fantastic experience of learning to run and I have not missed one painful, dreadful, wonderful moment. I need variety, different things to look at and new experiences. Apparently new experiences makes you smarter and Lord knows I could benefit from being smarter.
  2. Switching up the camber is a injury preventive strategy. My knee has reached the point where I do not even think about it when I run. I do not need to create a new injury in the process. Even when I run the same route for a week, I will head out in alternate directions for each run. Meaning I run a loop. One day I start on the right and go west, the the next day I run left and go east. I think this has really helped because I cannot avoid hills this way. Sure I want to, but I get to it eventually.

So, I reached the mid-way point of my training. I ran the original path I did on my first day. The first day of the C25k was 45 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes with 5 minutes on either end of walking to warm up and cool down. Between you and me, this was hard. I had the stamina and conditioning from swimming but the muscles were different. I was really concerned about running for 20 minutes because that day was going to happen soonish. I am a goal nazi. I have crazy intense focus when I set a goal. So even when I didn’t feel up to running, I did it anyway. I have set my 5k race goal for the first week of December. I gave myself lots of time because I want to have lots of practice and conditioning for my first 5k race. I want to feel like it isn’t hard. I also knew I needed time just in case my knee complained mightily. So here I am half way.

Yesterday I re-ran my first path. I live on the prairies and in the burbs. I love the big sky. My neighborhood, which is great for my kids, is DULL as dishwater for running enthusiasts. There is a running trail/dogrun/power-line corridor the flows north to south behind the local school. It takes you into the creek and up over the bank to the other burbish neighborhoods. I ran this.

I did it at first because it was asphalt, and that is better than concrete for my joints. If I am honest, it is also because there is no traffic and no one could see me. The first day I ran/walked less than a kilometer. I didn’t quite make it to pass the walkway to Kitlitz park. The first couple of weeks I didn’t get very far. Even the 5 minute warm up wasn’t that far from my house. I never quite made it into the park and had to start running on the road when my beeper went off.

Yesterday I did the same route. This time my warm up got me into the park and near the bottom of the incline to join the main path. I ran south for 5 minutes walked one then ran 8 minutes. I more than tripled my distance for the “out” portion. The sun was hot for September and I was running at 5:00pm heat peak. Keep in mind this is EDMONTON so the air was cool-ish but the sun was intense. I loved the long shadows that provided shade. This time of day tons of women were out. This struck me because in the morning I only see men run. Never any women. Apparently us girls are too busy getting families ready to start the day and wait until after work to run or walk the pooches. I also was keenly aware of the smell of fall. The leaves are turning and there is a distinct smell that goes with that. I had a friend who thought it smelled of gym socks, but rotting leaves is a warm musty smell that I love. I saw berries on the path and a middle aged dude sitting in the shade talking on the phone. I assumed it was a secret clandestined phone call. I had long passed my original turn around point and forgot to take note of it, but soon I was reaching the crest of the hill that would lead me down into the creek. At the top of the crest, I remembered the gravel turn off that I used to get extra miles in when I was training for the half marathon when I walked. I then looked to my left and saw the flood waters had subsided from the spring when I came through here and had to walk through 4 inches of water and soaked my shoes. The downhill portion was laid out in front of me and I checked my timer, I was only 2 minutes into my 8 minute run. WOW! I knew I was getting faster. The midway point of the hill brought me to the crosswalk. I scanned the road ready to pause my timer in case I had to wait for traffic. No such luck. I had to keep running because the road was free from traffic. I ran across the sidewalk and onto the cross walk. I was immediately struck by the resistance of the concrete. I didn’t suspect I would notice it, but it was noticeably harder.

Once I crossed the road, I was trying to decided should I turn right and follow the creek or just run over the bridge at the bottom of the path. The hill was getting steeper and i knew I would have to run back up. Just before I reached the point where I would need to decide, my running app voice said “half way”. I replied out loud, “OKAY!” and I pulled a U-ie on the path and started to make my way up the steep hill. A gal who was running behind me, one of those gazelles with a beautiful stride (ONE DAY THAT WILL BE ME!) smiles and said “GREAT JOB!” Thanks running gazelle! I looked at my timer and it was 3:55 into my 8 minute run. So up I climbed and scanned the road once again for traffic. This hill nonsense is stupid and I felt the burn of my calves and my heels and ankles swore at me a bit. Too bad so sad and I kept climbing. I was counting out power-lines and figured the 3rd set should be about right for stopping. I set my sights on the third set and then changed my focus once again. I was thinking about that cute pup who didn’t listen and wanted to keep playing. I looked at the blue sky and thought about how beautiful it is in the fall but not as beautiful as a winter sky. Then I was checking out the berries on the bushes and thought there wasn’t very many. Maybe it will be a mild winter! WOHOO! I then realized I was running past the third tower of my count off. WOW! I am faster! I checked my phone and I has another 42 seconds to go. So I ran.

By the time the beep went off and running app voice said “Walk”, I was nearly at the point of my very first turnaround on my very first day. I walked the 2 minutes and then was told to run again. I had 5 minutes left. I ran all the way to the walkway the would lead me home. I needed a 5 minute cool down still. I walked along my street home. By the time I reached my front porch running app voice said “workout complete”. Never had I gone this far or completed so close to home. I was pretty proud and happy. I stopped on my porch to stretch out. The running stretches I have read about and remember from my basketball days are good for a start, but I always finish up with some yoga poses. Those feel heavenly.

I looked ahead to my next running plan on my app and saw it was run 8 walk 1 run 10. That is for Sunday’s long run. It’s not really a long run. Last year my Sundays were filled with walks that were about 14-18kms, so this doesn’t seem like a big deal in terms of distance. But muscle endurance is a different thing. I then thought about my plan for running my first half marathon. It might sound odd that I have a plan for a half when I haven’t even run a 5km yet, but I am a planner. I plan to run 10 and 1s. Run 10 minutes walk 1 minute. I also told myself that there is no shame in walking if I have to.

My plan this year will get me to become a comfortable runner for a 10km. I will then become comfortable at running a regular 10k. Then the distance training will begin. It’s hard not to get ahead of myself. But I can clearly see the 1/2 marathon medal being place around my neck. I will earn it because I will have ran it in less time than I walked the original one.

I can’t WAIT! Roll on Sunday, I need to feel what a 10 minute run feels like because it is all part of my plan.

 

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Question: How far is a marathon anyways? Answer: Not 3km

I had one of those moments today when I looked a the person and thought to myself “How come you aren’t dead? Surely your stupid actions and words should have killed you by now.” Then because I wanted to know how he survived so long, I said out loud, “What is your Super Power?”

Apparently dumb luck. Lots of people have this super power.

By now you are thinking – what the hell are you talking about Tourist?

I was standing by the photocopier (a school equivalent to a water cooler) and asked a fellow teacher (male) what his plans were for the weekend. I know it’s only TUESDAY, but seriously people – teachers are BONE TIRED and cannot wait to sleep for a week because YOUR children exhaust me are awesome.

Anyway Teacher Guy began to tell me his plans for the weekend.

TG- I am running a marathon his weekend!

Me- Wow congratulations! Training is brutal and so time consuming, I really admire marathon runners! So tell me, how many miles did you average a week? Where are you running? Did you fund raise?

TG- Naw, it’s not a big deal. I didn’t train. I am just going out there and giving it a shot.

Me- HOLY CRAP MAN, no training? You are a rock star!

TG- Naw…it’s only 3km.

Me- …..Picture a thought bubble (dude you have just insulted an entire culture of people and highlighted your stupidity)

Silence for several minutes while he stood there thinking he was a rock star.

Me – Dude, tell me what you think a marathon is.

TG- a fun run.

Me- It can be, but usually people can barely breathe by the end and their body hurts so much it isn’t very fun after a while.

TG- it’s only 3k!

Me- 3K is a fun run. A Marathon is 42k.

He looked at me like I was kidding him. Then I said,

Me- I am indignant on behalf of every person who has ever run MARATHON – the entire 42KILOMETER race. Those people deserve medals. I can appreciate 3k being a challenge, it is an amazing goal to be a short or long distant runner. But to say a marathon is just a 3k fun run is insulting!

TG- Whatever…. same thing.

Me- Not the same thing. I challenge you to run the ING in August. ALL 42 Freaking Kilometers and then tell me it’s the same.

TG – Not a problem. I’ll do it.

Me- And I will be there with a body bag to collect you.

TG – Challenge accepted.

TG is also a Maple Leaf fan, doesn’t that say it all? WOW! I was reading a blog entry today from my favorite marathoner. The Bronx Turtle had a similar conversation with on a telephone conference today. Read it, it is hilarious. He felt embarrassed that people think he is nuts. Well for starters, The Bronx Turtle is running a marathon a month, A MONTH PEOPLE! that is 12 marathons this year for WDW Radio’s Dream Team Project.  He is raising funds for the Make-A-Wish foundation. And he felt embarrassed? WHAT? I think it is amazing what he is doing. Especially the part where there is NO SCHEDULED marathon for June around his home in New York City – let’s all cry him a river. Poor guy lives in Manhattan with Central Park as his back yard….boo hooo… (Jeeze Tourist, jealous much?) So Turtle is going to run around Manhattan, by himself, with no support for water or energy junk, to help himself achieve this amazing feat of a marathon a month, 42 kilometers ON foot with no one cheering him on, handing him water, or placing a medal around his neck. All to benefit the Make-A-Wish foundation. He isn’t the first person I know to do this. Another Goal Setter (that is her name) did this July 5th last year.

I feel sorry for them. Part of the fun of doing these races is bragging rights. Bragging rights need a medal. When you run that far on your own, no one gives you a medal. I have decided to take matters into my own hands. These people deserve to be recognized for there amazing actions and as a preschool teacher, I have the ability to do something about it. What you may ask? I am making them each a Macaroni Necklace Medal. The need to hang something on their wall when THAT GUY comes over and says “so what…no big deal”

The other part of this story that I find so amazing is fundraising for Make-A-Wish Foundation. Without thinking too hard (it is June people and my brain is fried) I can recall 4 children who were recipients of a precious wish.

One little girl I know received a hot tub and gazebo attached to her home. She needed water therapy to keep her limbs active. She is unable to stand on her own, so the water gives her a freedom from her chair.

Another little girl’s wish was to go to Walt Disney World. She needed supports in the form of oxygen and limited time in the parks because it would be so exhausting. But what little kid doesn’t want to be a princess for a day or 3? The Village down there had Oxygen hook ups in her room and Disney sent princess’ and mice over to the village where they wouldn’t have to fight crowds, just to spend time with her. Disney knows how to throw a party and 7 years later, she still lights up when she talks about it.

I had a student in my class one year who had cancer. He wanted to meet his hero Gizmo Williams, a CFL Edmonton Eskimo. Gizmo made it there 4 days before he died. They spent the day together and my little friend wore Gizmo’s jersey everyday. They buried him in it.

I know another little boy who was just granted a wish. He will get to go to Disneyland this summer to have his dream come true.

Make-A-Wish seems frivolous to some people, these people think the money could be better spent finding cures, or research. The bottom line is research wasn’t going to help my little friend who died. He was able to spend his last living days with a hero. His mom was granted happiness to see her little boy happy with stars in his eyes. What parent doesn’t want that for their child? I know I do.

I am heading over to the WDW Radio Dream Team Project and making a donation in support of The Bronx Turtle – his real name for the donation form? Joe Kolinsky – marathon man.

I think you should follow Joe because he is funny, does stupid things, and a great writer. I think you should support his cause and tell him he isn’t running for nothing.

Click here to have more information on the Dream Team Project

Click here to make a donation to Make-A-Wish Foundation to support Joe Kolinsky

 

 

Today is My Last Day as Old Me

Here I sit the day before the first major athletic goal I have ever set. I am about to accomplish it. After walking 20km several weeks ago, this doesn’t seem like such a big deal any more. Except 1 – I have to get up early and 2 – it’s going to be hot tomorrow.

Getting up early is a difficult task. For those of you who just spring out of bed when your alarm goes off, you have no idea what I am talking about. there is a fog that lives in my head until at least noon. I am not the chattiest people in the morning, nor do I enjoy food in the morning. I have been known to need copious amounts of coffee. I need to be at the start line about 7:30 AM. AM as in the MORNING! I know from training, I shouldn’t drink coffee. It makes me feel crappy while I am walking. I also know I need to eat about an hour before. Awesome. So I am packing an egg sandwich. First of GROSS, it will be cold, and secondly gross I have to eat it around 6:30. I am pretty excited about that! I am able to put these small annoyances aside so I may reach my goal. This isn’t a problem.

Hot will be a problem.

I am carrying 2 bottles of gator aide with me. I will drink water along the course route. I have trained mostly in torrential down pours and driving rain. So of course it will be hot tomorrow. I have my coolmax hat and will hydrate well before had, as well as today. I am drinking a ton of water today, all of this will help. I have my ipod shuffle charged and ready for action. I am using my iphone to take pics along the way. Strange, I know, but I want to live this moment and remember it. This is important to me.

Yesterday I went to the Expo Centre to pick up my race day package. I felt like part of the club. The exclusive club where only people with that crazy inner drive get to be apart of. It was a strange and new experience for me. Last year I could care less about being in the Canadian Derby Marathon. I didn’t get why people even wanted to do it. I get it now. I want to do this for lots of reasons.

  1. I worked hard this year and I want a medal for it – an award, some recognition and I will get one if I cross the finish line.
  2. Setting goals has helped me find focus and drive to move forward in my life. achieving goals has been more rewarding than I could ever fully understand. I expect I will be emotional as I cross the finish line.
  3. Walking has been a big part of my fitness plan. It’s working and has made me strong. It also makes me crave more. I like that feeling.
  4. I have had so much love and support come my way as I move towards this goal. People, friends, family and strangers have been more supportive than I ever hoped. By finishing, it shows them how thankful I am for their support and how much I appreciate it.
  5. I am looking forward to the big party afterwards. One of my goal setting mentors encouraged me to celebrate after the event. So I am. I am thankful the weather will be nice for it and curious to see who all comes for food and fun.

Time to set the next big athletic goal. I am going to run 5km without stopping. I have lost enough weight that my Doc is cool with it. The big concern is my knee injury. I have been looking after it, so starting next week, training begins. In someways 5k feels WAY easier than 21k. But walking is WAY easier than running. I know I can do it. It is the next step on my way to running the half marathon next year or the year after depending on the knee.

I look at today as the very last day as old me. Tomorrow at this time I will be apart of a group that does half marathons.  The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.

These Boots are Made for Walkin’

BOOTS Nancy Sinatra's all-time hits
Image by Nesster via Flickr

No I am not singing the Jessica Simpson version. I have the Nancy Sinatra version with her kick a$$ white gogo boots in my head! I have been thinking about distances since I blogged late last night.

My dad has always been a record breaker, he writes down every book he reads to see how many he can read in a year, then tries to break that record. He keeps track of how far he runs so he can break that record. I am going to take a page out of his book and give it a go!

I am planning on walking/swimming to Tiffany & Co, located on 5th Avenue, New York City. I google mapped it and if I walk a half marathon every day, I would get there in 181 days. I am not sure what pace google thinks I should do it in tho. If I include swimming, I could make it there in 35 days. Maybe add a few more for sight seeing.

Google warns me the route has toll roads and a ferry and worst of all, it crosses through Canada! Well Google, how else do I get out of Canada if I don’t walk across it? True, you would make me walk through hanis parts of Canada called Saskatchewan and Manitoba. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just flat. Flat that goes on forever in a flat non interesting way. Once I cross the border in Manitoba and into Minnesota, I imagine it looks similar. I can’t remember, it’s been a while. I would take the ferry across Lake Michigan, or I could swim. But I think that lake is colder than most glacier fed lakes that I have been in, so I will rest my bone weary feet and take the ferry. Which reminds me…

I will need to budget for new shoes. Apparently I need to replace my shoes ever 400km. That means I would need 10 pairs of shoes x $189 = $1890!!! AND THERE IS NO RED SOLES?!?! That isn’t taking into account the toll roads…screw that, I will walk in the ditch and save me some coin. I would carry a sleeping bag and sleep in Wal-Marts across North America! Or some farmer’s field along the way. I will live off the land eating berries, muskrat and the odd gopher or two. I have enough Facebook and Blogger Friends, I am sure I can bunk in their goat house or balcony along the way.

So far I have walked 125km since April 19th when I started training for the half marathon. I have swam 138km so far this year that makes 263km since I started my fitness journey. That number seems so small compared to the soreness I feel in my muscles. Okay, I am officially depressed!!! CRAP this is going to take me a while.

263km means I have walked to Marsden, Saskatchewan. All I saw was a couple of moose and a billion mosquitos. It has taken me 12 .5 days. I think 181 days is more accurate.

The reality is, I am not walking a half marathon a day. So maybe it might take me a year, but I am going to keep track. I will let you know when I get there.

Ready Boots? Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaart walkin’!

Gleekness

43/365 - Gleek
Image by acousticgirl via Flickr

Confession time: I am a Gleek.

Tonight, Chatterbox and I watched the hour and a half episode where the lesson learned is love self. It started out in a shocking way, Schue asked everyone to write on a white t-shirt in graphic black letters something about yourself that you are not proud of or happy with. Something that people may not know about you. Chatterbox asked me what would be on my shirt. Wow, insightful Chatterbox! AND feels a little bit painful to me. She said Nose would be on her T-Shirt because of the way it looks in pictures. There isn’t a single thing I would change about her. Isn’t that the way we see others? Why are we so hard on our self? That had me thinking about what would be on my T-Shirt.

Not good enough

I am not really sure where that came from. From the time I was little I knew I was completely different from everyone else. Not athletic enough, hair not pretty enough, not quite smart enough, not thin enough, and certainly not nice enough. I felt crappy enough about myself to actually lie about me to feel better. Harsh but true. I had an instinctual feeling about change. I figured if I wanted to BE something, act like I AM something, then I would eventually Be. Huh… Not quite the way it intended. I never ever intended to be anything but authentic. Influences of others, choices we make led down a road where the destination is less than expected. It’s like planning a trip to Paris and only getting as far as Nowheresville, Alberta.   So incredibly disappointing and down right depressing. The good news is Nowheresville is a pit-stop and NOT the destination! I chatted with a gal today that said to Chatterbox, “Let’s make a list of all the positives and build on that!” Wow, that is just good common sense! I need to do that. Let’s look at my Not good enough list and compare, shall we?

Not Athletic enough – true I was never going to make into the Olympics, however, I can swim for an hour everyday! I need to be able to walk 3K to start the half marathon clinic and I can walk 5K easily! Suddenly, I AM Athletic enough! Well done me!

Hair not pretty enough – true it was never long, blonde and straight. However, It is soft, shiny and fluffy. Old ladies who use Toni permanent love it. So, the good news is someone loves it!

Not quite smart enough-true that I perceived myself as not smart enough when in fact, I just never ever EVER studied or did homework. I never applied myself enough to be brilliant. By not doing ANYTHING I had grades of mid 60s to mid 70’s. That tells me I AM smart enough. The good news is I decided to prove to myself that I was smart enough and now I work hard and am maintaining high honors in University. Again, well done ME!

Not thin enough – true that I am Pooh sized, as in Winnie the Pooh. I was thin for a brief anorexic period in high school. The good news, being athletic enough NOW has let me drop 40lbs and 2-almost 3 clothing sizes. I may never have my ribs showing, but one day I’ll be a grandma, and grandma’s love to cuddle. No one wants to cuddle a bag of bones…just saying…

Certainly not nice enough – I always believed I was but was constantly being told I wasn’t nice enough. I was a lot like Lucy from the peanuts. I will not blow sunshine up your wohoo to make you feel good, I will be honest and kind to best of my ability. I will never purposely hurt or offend you. It pains me tremendously when I cause others pain. I cry and internalize it forever. If I could fix it I would. If I have ever hurt you, I am sorry from the deepest depth of my soul. There is a saying “the ones you hurt the most are the ones you love the most.” That is certainly true – unintentional but true.

I have this burning drive to fix and change so much in my life. It is like I am running to catch a train I am really late for. It makes me wonder why I have this need to change so quickly. I am going to school to feed my ambition for work. I am eating better and moving more to be healthy. I am investigating spiritual thoughts more vigorously than before. Mind, Body and Soul has become part of my journey in full force.

And all I wanted was a little change…

I need one more thing for completeness. I think it might be forgiveness. It’s that NESS I need.

So on my Gleek Shirt I think I would write:

Not Good Enoughness