Now that I am dead, facebook can help me disapprove of you and other fun stuff to do posthumously

I have a couple of facebook friends who have passed on. I don’t mean they stopped updating their status’ because they are too busy to care if I know what they ate for breakfast. I mean… they DIED. This may be painful for some of my friends to read. So I will wait until you click over to another blog….it’s okay. I understand – just come back tomorrow okay?

When someone dies these facebook pages just sit there. Sure people come over to it and write things on the wall about missing them, wishing they were here…stuff like that. Unless someone knows your password to delete your page, then what? I have one “friend” who died 2 years ago. It was too painful for me to see their name pop up from the facebook monkey’s suggesting I write on their wall, or suggest friends to them. I had to unfriend them. Weird but true. I know they aren’t offended, they are dead. If they are offended…seriously get a life  haunt me already. Knowing them the way I do, they could care less if I unfriended them.

Mashable posted this

I Die lets “you” post a final message to your wall and loved one when you’re dead. After installing the app, you choose three “trustees” (Facebook friends) who are charged with verifying your death. Users can then record videos or craft any number of Facebook posts to be published posthumously. When your trustees confirm your death, your messages can be published all at once to your Facebook wall or released on a designated schedule.

I think I could have a lot of fun with this! Posting little messages weekly, reminding people things or just looking at them in a disapproving manner and saying – I can see your every move. I know what you are doing in the car when you think no one is watching. This could be the ultimate revenge!

But what would I say? And more importantly who do I trust (that is sure to live longer than me) to post this video to my facebook wall?

Well, first of all they must be facebook friends, so that rules out my Aunt who is on top of all kind of details and would be PERFECT for this job. The fb friends must also be tech savvy, meaning they can add/delete and set privacy settings with ease. This rules out Joe because he can’t figure out how to let me and AnotherGoalSetter see his mobile album on fb. It also has to be someone who – chances are – will live longer than me. They must be younger than me but not too young that it would be traumatic, so not the OffSpring. I think the best choice is The Photographer Farrah Fowler. She is my wingman and co-admin on The Edmonton Tourist Fan Page. She is reliable and loyal to the nth degree. My next choice would be Chicken Hawk. Chicken Hawk would make a list and add me to it. Then a neat check mark would go beside my name and poof! My posthumous video would be on my wall for all to see. My third choice (because Mashable recommends 3 fb friends for optimum performance) is FavNiece. She is smart, younger and knows how to do illegal cool stuff with technology. Excellent choice Edmonton Tourist, if I do say so myself. Note to my wingmen – contact Oracle regularly. He lives in Australia the future and will know when I die.

Now what should me message be? I thought I would record a few samples like “Uncle Bloefeld – it’s TRUE you do need dracma to get passage to Hades” or “the winning lotto numbers are…” or ” up the hill, around the rock, over the bridge under the Lodgepole pine tree, 4th from the left but to the right of the Mountain ash, is a box burried in a hole about 2 feet down”

but I decided the “look of disapproval” would be fitting for most people I know. It can’t be suitable for different events in many different contexts.

What do you think? More importantly, what would YOU say?

Show of hands please, who wears their jammies all day?

Dear Facebook,

Today you told me to buy this:

You thought I might enjoy a plus-size corset from SpicyLegs.com.  Facebook, take a good look at that gal…She is NOT A PLUS-SIZE Model! If I looked like her I would think about indulging in prettier underthings. I double dog dare you to squeeze me into that facebook. As it stands facebook, I have limited options. Granted, I wouldn’t spend serious money on it now because my sizes keep changing regularly. Besides, that is not the point.

Today you eavesdropped on my conversation with my pals. I was telling them about a snack time conversation I had with a FOUR YEAR OLD I had today. She asked me if I owned pajamas. You just couldn’t keep your comments to yourself now could you facebook? No, you could not. You didn’t even WAIT for me to give my friend an answer before you gave me options. Lets look at the options, shall we? Because as I glanced at all 4 of them, and facebook, you are getting to big your britches.

First of all, you suggested I purchase a Plus-Size corset. Then you showed me a picture of what I wouldn’t look like. Ouch facebook, ouch.

Secondly, you thought it would be fun for me to stay in my Pajamas ALL DAY and get paid to social network. Really facebook? Does Mark Zuckerman wear HIS pajamas all day? I don’t think so. People who wear their jammies all day tend to have labels attached to them, for example facebook, invalids, hospital patients, babies, Hefner, shift workers, Banana’s and apparently professional social networkers. I have a job facebook, and I quite like it thanks, AND I get to wear clothes to work.

Thirdly, you thought I might like to lose my belly fat. Again with the ouch facebook. In case you haven’t been reading my other updates, I will fill you in. I swam today for an hour. Yesterday I did 50 minutes of circuit training. I eat less and move more. Sure I have SOME belly fat left, but there is 4 clothing sizes less of me than there was at Christmas, so bugger off facebook. I refuse to pay you or your friends money so I can lose belly fat. That was a very low blow facebook.

The icing on the cake facebook was when you suggested. Lula Lu Petite Lingerie. One side of your mouth you are spouting plus-size and with the other AFTER I LOSE THE BELLY FAT, you want me in a -A cup size…NEGATIVE A?????  Have you seen George Clooney’s (my future ex-husband) girlfriends? They are NOT -A’s. They have CLEAVAGE. And thank you very much facebook, so do I. I wasn’t even a -A when I was an infant.

Facebook, I know you are lonely and want to sit at the grown-ups table for cool conversation. But this isn’t the way to go about it. Blurting out hurtful and impulsive things is just not okay. In my line of work when you do stuff like that, you get a time out. Is that what you really want facebook? Don’t MAKE me call your mom, because you know I will.

What Were You thinking?

I took a break today from homework and cooking (actually my honey did most of the cooking for our belated Thanksgiving Dinner – Thanks Honey!). It was about a 5 minute break. I was intrigued by a quiz a facebook friend took entitled “When Will You Die?”. She will be murdered in New York in 2013. I thought ” Cool! She gets to go to New York! I want to die in New York too!”. So off I clicked to fill out the facebook quiz, because we all know facebook quizzes are true! After I answered all the bizarre questions, I was told I will die January 28, 2060 via a surgery accident in Hollywood, California at the age of 93. So I guess I will have plastic surgery after all! Not sure why I would travel to Hollywood for it, but that is okay because we all know facebook is correct and never gives bad advice or suggestions. Right? I am I right?

I am a fairly smart, critical thinker. I know facebook is not a fortune teller, I leave that up to my Australian friends. It shocks me when I speak to people who believe everything they read. So listen up people, just because it is in print doesn’t make it fact. For example, Wikipedia is not a valid resource. It is billed as a “free encyclopedia that anyone can edit”. I don’t know about you, but I know a lot of people who have many of their facts wrong and yet they spew them as if it is truth. This really concerns me because if a person speaks with conviction, they are able to persuade others into many other pursuits. I am not even talking about crazy cult culture, but that still applies here. What really concerns me is women making poor choices. This topic came up in conversations I have had with smart women over the weekend. It still is a major problem and the sad reality is society ends up paying for bad decisions.

My question is: Why can’t people make their own decision? Why do the majority of people feel the need to seek advice and listen to it, even if it is bad advice? What happened to intuition? Intuition is that feeling or voice you have inside telling you to run when you are scared or stand your ground when you need too.

It is one thing to ask the girls if the skirt you are trying on makes you look ridiculous, it is a whole other ball game when the decision is a life altering event.

Years ago I made poor decisions that effected the rest of my life. I was able to make the most of the situation but part of me wishes I listened to my intuition rather than the people around me. I chalk it up as a learning experience. I have other major decisions in my life to make in the coming months. Should I ask an Australian? Or should I listen to my intuition? I am not about to be another woman making bad choices, so I think I will go with my gut feeling.

Hopefully it isn’t gas.