Hey Superman, you ain’t so tough!

Justice League - The Search for Hawkgirl
Justice League – The Search for Hawkgirl (Photo credit: Arnold Ho)

Obviously I am a massive superhero fan. It goes WAY back to the famed Saturday morning cartoon days when superheroes were everywhere. I was a Justice League fan, Spiderman, Batman and Robin, Batfink and Karate and of course Hong Kong Phooey fan. I enjoyed Captain Caveman but he couldn’t hold a candle to Aquaman. I am pretty sure this is where my love of men with shoulders and chests came into play.

I grew up in the 70’s. This was the era of prime time superhero TV! Wonderwoman was fabulous in her invisible jet. Isis was rocken her jewelery, and live action Spiderman would fling lame fishnets spiderwebs on every bad guy J. Jonah Jamison felt sympathy for. I was a sucker for every one of those shows. I even watched the original Adventures of Superman TV series with George Reeves every morning before school, but when it came to Superman, I just wasn’t feeling it.

My dad is a massive Superman fan. He loves superman like I love the muppets. He is fun to buy for. Last year I bought him a Superman coin bank. Every time you put coins in, his cape lifts up and waves in the wind. Superman merchandise is very cool. It isn’t enough to get me all excited though. The irony of the situation is, I love a red cape. None of my favorite heroes rock a red cape. Ironman? Nope. Thor? Nope. Batfink? Nope. Spiderman? Nope. Wolverine? Nope. Although secretly I think Magnito and Xavier have private red cape time in their lairs.

So what is the deal? I loves me a nice gorgeous red cape. The family is currently watching the 2006 version of Superman – Superman Returns. I can sit through EVERY SINGLE HERO ACTION MOVIE and become entranced. Every single one except any Superman movie. I am constantly picking apart the credibility of the events. As if Thor can be real… I become so anti-superman I must leave the room because I am too annoying. Snide comments spill from my lips like – Pshhh how is that possible? Too bad so sad Superman, there are no longer phonebooths available. Besides – everyone saw you undress in them anyways – they are made of glass.

To be kind – I just leave the room and let the Superman fans watch in adoration. I do understand their love for the adventure of super heroes…just not him. Maybe it’s because he is an alien. Or maybe because I hate his hair. Or maybe because Lois Lane is the only one he rescues. Or maybe his nemesis is also lame.Or maybe… he was born a superhero and the others rose to the challenge. It’s like the difference between a Rockerfeller or Todd McFarlane. One was born into weath and the other worked for it.

My dad and another friend are gigantic fans of Smallville. I must admit I have never watched it. I promised I would give it an honest go at it. I am secretly regretting that promise. I hope I won’t mock my way through it in an effort to sit through the entire episode. Or WORSE, what if I like it? Crap… I never thought of that scenario. Liking Superman? Puullleeeeease. Shoot me now. I’d rather watch something completely plausible like…The Incredible Hulk or Electrawoman and Dynagirl…

My test results are in and it doesn’t look good

I got the results of my brain scan back today and there was some surprising information given to me. I will share with you the MRI

My coworker recieved it from the Mental Health Specialist we consult with. They were kind enough to deliver it to me. I don’t remember having an MRI done, but obviously it is mine.

I have been studying the effects of brain trauma and growth in people under 25. I find Dr. Bruce Perry’s work fascinating. Never in a million years did I expect this. Lets take a closer look, shall we?

You will notice the top left of the image is called the Ptooey Gland (regulates veggie aversion and suspicion of new cheeses) It is part of the worthwhile food cortex. This explains why I am suspicious of new cheese. I look at what my mommy eats then judge it. My mom hates cheese! I didn’t even eat non-processed cheese slices until I was 21 an living on my own! This explains EVERYTHING I have come to know about my cautionary cheese life.

Moving down we come to the Phone Call Interruption Ganglia. Wow, that is in the frontal cortex! That means it is the higher functioning part of the brain. Everyone knows (and now you do too) the higher and more forward the separate parts of the brain  are, the higher functioning and less primitive or “caveman-like” the thought process is. Clearly I am a well developed communicator triggered by the use of someone else on the phone not talking to me or paying attention to me.

Then there is the all important Cartoon Addiction Lobe. Obviously it shows I love purple dinosaurs (Dino Flintstone) Blue Dogs ( Huckleberry hound) Red dogs (sure Clifford is great, but he was my son’s favorite. I prefer Hong-Kong Phooey or UnderDog because they wore red) and any colour dragon ( Pete’s Dragon and Mushu are my favorites). I had no idea this frontal lobe is so large. It does explain my love of all things animation!

Behind my ear is the Endless Repetition Stem. As a preschool teacher, this brain stem needs to be fully developed. I can sing the Wheels on the Bus for DAYS AND DAYS. I read Good Night Moon every night for 4 years and of course…say it with me… NO! There is a comfort in repetition. Something soothingly familiar. It is the reason I go to Disneyland a million times, or my constant need for Starbucks. Repetition = Good and that is why my ERBrainstem is awesome.

Then there is the largest brain lobe in my entire cranium. Muppet-Apprieciation Lobe. Clearly this explains my love of genius. Jim Henson was my hero. He created those muppet creatures that followed me my entire life from Sesame Street to Puppet Up and all the monster/froggy business in between. From them I learned my alphabet and how to count to 10. I learned about sharing and friendship. I learned that trash is only good for some people and not everyone can see a Snuffleupagus. Super Grover was a super hero like me and Mr. The Frog Played the Banjo and sang great songs. Chickens are awkward to pack and Smorgasboards are the dinner of choice. Muppets are family that arent related. That was the biggest lesson. I love them still.

Underneath that lobe is a gland called Crayola Oblongata (relays impulses to shove objects inside the nose and or vcr). Sure I blamed my nephew for jamming a dinosaur into the vcr. I confess it was me GG. Sorry. My gland is super heightened for jamming stuff, although it has been about 43 years since I jammed something up my nose…like that penny.

Whine Region – Hyper-thalamus (triggers startling adrenaline burst before bedtime. Coordinates tantrum efforts throughout the day) Hell yeah it does! This is why I drink wine, diet coke and coffee. This region is super sensitive and needs supports for regulation. I am still tweaking with quantities.

Exhibitionist Lobe – hehehehehe my favorite after the Muppet lobe. WHen I was 4 I use to run naked up and down my granny’s hallway wearing my towel cape. It was awesome! Since then? Ummmm my mom reads this and I feel the need to keep private about my exhibitionist activities that may or may not include pictures and texting.

Then there is the Scare-o-bellum (process fear of doctors, hairdressers and trolls) not to mention birds and mice…and bad smells…and expired food….public washrooms…oh and weird skin diseses. This gland is OVER ACTIVE and I need to have it removed or injected with ponies and rainbows.

As the lobes and stems go lower, we are reaching the more primitive parts of the brain. Like the Acceptable Medicine Center. This requires kissing booboos better, a love pat and 57 band-aids. Did you know a band-aid makes everything better? Even a runny nose – or so my son thought when he was 4.

Lastly the lowest functioning brain ventricle, The Hygiene Avoidance Ventricle. This becomes super active when camping and takes over my normal “Howard Hughes” ways. Shower? No it’s snowing. Kleenex? I’ll use my sleeve. Out house? Umm…behind that tree is cleaner.

So there you have it. My MRI results explain a lot about me…don’t you agree?