The Edmonton Tourist’s Handy Pocket Guide for the Directionally Challenged

I just finished watching the Tony Awards. I wish I was there. One day I will get there and I cannot wait!

ChatterBox and I are planning a road trip to Calgary with our friends PollyPocket and her daughter  Harpo. ChatterBox is very excited about going to Tiffany’s in Calgary but thinks we should drive to New York instead. For the weekend? Seriously?

ChatterBox, we live in EDMONTON CANADA, New York is a bit further…just a bit. 3092km to 5th Avenue New York. 44 hour drive non stop on the I-80E. I don’t think so. Not today Zurg.

As sad as I feel to say this, Tiffany & Co in New York is a tad too far for a weekend road trip. It also pains me to know my ChatterBox is directionally challenged, just like my friend The Reader. One would think being an avid reader one might be able to read maps. I had the pleasure of reading her facebook status tonight. She got lost going to Calgary, Alberta.

For those of you who are from out of town, Calgary is down the road from Edmonton. When I say Down, I mean South on the ONLY ROAD. It’s called The Queen Elizabeth 2 HWY. QE2 for us locals. It goes NORTH out of Calgary to Edmonton and South out of Edmonton to Calgary.  I have developed a handy pocket guide for the directionally challenged friends I posses. Seriously, I love you and all the support and love you give me. This is why I feel you need this handy pocket guide. I would hate to read about you on twitter (my primary news source) telling me you wandered into a farmer’s field and mysteriously disappeared.

The Edmonton Tourist’s Handy Pocket Guide for the Directionally Challenged

  1. When you drive south in the afternoon, the sun should be in your eyes, thus the reason to wear those fab D&G sunglasses. *Disclaimer* only in the Northern Hemisphere. In the Southern Hemisphere the sun would be in your eyes driving North.
  2. Red Sky at night sailors delight, red sky in morn, sailors scorn Ausfart means EXIT in German. Your GPS will not list it as a town.
  3. The GPS calls a traffic circle or round about a ROTARY. Heads up people.
  4. On a map “N” is north. When you turn a corner you must ALSO turn the map. Keep the “N” pointing north. See #1 for tips to find north.
  5. Maps refer to STREETS and AVENUES, not minor points of interest like the 7-11
  6. Do not follow the guy in front of you. He does not know where you are going either.
  7. ONE WAY is not pronounced OWN EE Way, in spite of what Fred Flinstone called it.
  8. 15 year old gas attendants don’t know where you are going either. Their mom drove them to work.
  9. Red is Port, Green is Starboard, unless you are in a car. In your car, Red is STOP and Green is GO.
  10. Do not ask directions from a Fung Shui Map expert. For example, if a house’s facing direction were determined to be Southwest and the front door was also facing Southwest, one would align the bagua map with the front door. The “North” sector of the home would then be where the front door was located, even though that door is technically facing Southwest, correct? So when a feng shui practitioner says that a kitchen should ideally be located in the Northwest sector of the home, are they talking about compass NW or bagua NW??? This will not help you if you are driving to a new city
  11. AND finally, bring a navigator who can READ a map or set a GPS….just saying