Edmonton Tourist :Super Genius

This year has certainly not gone as expected. You’d think by now I would be use to the idea that ultra planning never really goes as planned. Way back in January I had my crystal ball gazed at. She warned me it was going to be a difficult year, but she also said I would get a puppy. No puppy – but I want one. Especially now, the idea of a little ball of fluff sitting on my toes sounds like a good idea. Then I remember all the things that go with that pleasure…hmmm still not sure I want to go back to being a dog owner. I do miss Sparky and if the Universe would guarantee a dog like him, I would be in! But what if my new dog needs prozac? Or what if I have to choose between a trip and staying home because I cannot afford boarding. Too many “what ifs”. That is where I envy I brother.

He is a straight up guy who stays out of everyone’s business. Doesn’t worry about much and just rolls with the punches. He has ALWAYS been like that. If ever there was a guy who I expected to have a house full pf pets it was him. He use to send his allowance to the humane society when he was 8. He had grand plans of opening a pet shop. He had no less than 3 hamsters, 2 guinea pigs, 20 fish and a dog at any given time growing up. When he became an adult he had a saltwater aquarium. It was gorgeous! It interfered with family time and he could go very far because of the tank…or so he said. The saltwater fish were time consuming. He eventually stopped. He is now pet free.

My in-laws all have copious amounts of pets – lots of cats. I am severely allergic to cats – that is why I have a feral cat living under my step. The Ginge doesn’t come near us and I haven’t seen him in a while other than suspect the neighbors over the fence adopted him. I like the idea of cats, especially outdoor barn cats, but I could never live with one (literally) it would be the death of me.

While I am thinking about having a pup, I also think about being a restaurant. I know you are dazed and confused, but seriously – one more meal to fix? I can’t keep up with having a vegetarian AND and carnivore – my kids easily could share a plate and be satisfied. They boy only wants steak. The girl only wants salad. You’d think this would be easy but I worry too much about nutrition. The boy needs veg and the girl needs protein. Then the pup needs food too… This is where I wish I was my brother. “Who cares?” He’d say, “It’s not a big deal, they won’t die” True they won’t die. There are people who eat worse things than my kids.

So here is a solution I am tossing around in my head. If you steal it my mom senses will tingle and I will come after you. I am thinking about opening a restaurant drive through that serves food for vegetarians AND carnivores of both the animal persuasion and the people persuasion! I KNOW! Awesome right? I feel like a genius. Think about it…

Driving from work to practice/game/extra curricular child event, it is pushing towards 7pm and you have to feed son/daughter/pet. Everyone is hungry/cranky/tired and there is STILL homework/chores/downtime to consider. Having a drive-thru everything restaurant is perfect! Order your pet food, kid food and wine for you! Go home throw it on the table/floor/sofa and the rest of the evening is yours! This drive-thru could even get your breakfast ready for the next day, add soap or socks and you are set!

Seriously, tell me this isn’t a brilliant idea? I shall call this The Pantry Drive-Thru and as soon as you guys review it, I will call it The Famous Pantry Drive-Thru.

The Edmonton Tourist – Super Genius.

Death by Sushi

Eye death
Eye death (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

There have been two times in my life when I welcomed death and she snubbed me.

The first time was I was in labor with my first born. I don’t recall my surroundings other than bells were going off and a ton of people suddenly appeared. I feel into my pillow and thought to myself – I’m okay with dying. Then I looked over at my husband and he was worried. Then I thought, oh hell – I can’t very well leave him alone at a time like this.

I pulled through.

The second time was yesterday. I had sushi for lunch. within 10 minutes I was sick, within two hours my joints were swollen, my breathing was comprimised and I was covered in hives. I was in so much pain I thought, I’m okay with dying.

I am no a wimp when it comes to pain and sickness. I go to work with pnemonia, I walked 7km on a broken foot, I have even had a hangnail and survived. I was totally cool with dying. This poisoning business has taken a lot out of me. I am exhausted and afraid to eat. The not eating part is good and bad. I hope to lose a gazillion pounds because of this, but I know I will never get my strength back unless I do. Fresh food has me a bit scared.

All I want is peanut butter toast. I did live on that in high school. I was a non eater in those days. Give me a snickers bar and a glass bottle of coke and I was set for days. I would pack a peanut butter sandwich and an apple. It is still one of my favorite lunches. The best part was, I didn’t starve to death. I am pretty sure I am not starving to death now. I am super dehydrated and very sleepy. I spent my day drinking water and sleeping. I watched a movie and slept some more.

What this experience has done for me was reflect on who is important to me. I contacted everyone who I thought should know. ChatterBox even came in my room to creep on me to see if I was still breathing. I had no idea. I was out. Thinking about the list of people may me think about my small circle and how important they are to me. I also realized I am not all that important in the grand scheme of things. Life will continue whether I am here or not. The thing is, I would be so ticked off if I had expired yesterday. I still have goals to meet.

I was goofing around with some cards I have and chose a single card to meditate on. I use these cards for focus during my yoga practice or quiet contemplation. Usually a card that pops up is about creativity or joy. The message is often about seeking a creative outlet for expression of self or it is telling me not to take on too much and slow down to enjoy the view. Yesterdays card was one that has never shown itself to me. The card is Victory. The message’s essence was whatever you have been working on will succeed. I was surprised to hear that message. I never thought I wouldn’t succeed. I am tenacious enough to plow through to get what I want even if I need to find it in unusual places. I seen the brass ring and my eyes don’t leave it until it is in my hand. Sure this is obsessive or overly focused, but some of the greatest success stories are not because opportunity fell into their lap. These people worked for it. I am working for it. I expect my education dream to be fulfilled in a years time. Possibly a year and a half because I need to take some time off to rejuvenate my mind and make me hungry again for learning. I am tired and resent having to write with managerial focus when the sun is shining and the farmer’s markets and parks are calling to me. I also expect to have a new career within the next two years. I hope it will be much sooner, but I am willing to wait. I am not that person who is waiting for the opportunity to fall into my lap, I am keeping a watchful eye and listen carefully to signs.

Today is a big day in my world. My ED announced her retirement and the new replacement will be introduced to the Board today. The rest of us will find out on Monday. I look at this with mix feelings. I am ready for change but hesitant to discover how the change will affect me. At any rate, I am ready. A newish friend of mine asked me yesterday what my plan was to do with my degree once the business of school and homework was done. I said I want to be Emperor of the World complete with cape, awesome silver boots and minions. If that fails, I want to be an integral part of a non-profit agency. Not front line but management. Eventually I want to run the agency. Not necessarily the one I am in, but AN agency. I figure it is a great shield to the world being an ED for non-profit when I am trying to rule the world. It is a perfect plan and no one will suspect it. I will gain the trust of loyal minions and have access to an office secret lair. My son is savvy enough to build me all the technical gadgets I would need, like sharks with lasers on their heads or a volcano that erupts with a push of a button.

So either my near death experience has made me delusional or very self-aware. Either way, I’m glad I didn’t die by sushi – it is a pitiful way for the emperor of the world to die. I’m think more along the lines of death by a Q gadget or squeezed to death by Doc Oct. Either way, I will make a splash because I am reaching for the brass ring.

The Master Jedi Dishwasher

I was out with the girls the other day when we stumbled upon this lovely gem of a sign:

What struck me was two things, 1> the title – Master Jedi! It gave importance to the role of Dishwasher. It made me want to quit my job and work there! I bet it is amazing to be able to float the dishes into the sink from the counter. I need to perfect my Jedi skills first.

And 2> Apply with resume? Seriously? I wash dishes all the time. At work, at home at my mother’s when she has us over for dinner. It’s a simple process really. Fill the sink with hot soapy water. Add dirty dishes. Wipe with cloth. Place on counter to dry – OR have someone else dry them for you. Simple. Done. If one of those newfangled dishwashers are involved, well, I’m sure it comes with an instruction manual.

It made me think about my current position. My job title is SNA. Sure that acronym stands for something. It stands for words that explain what I do. BORING. Nothing half as exciting as Jedi Master. I have decided I need to jazz up my job title. If it is fabulous enough I am going to submit it to our HR person and ask for a formal job title change. Here are a few that come to mind:

  • Super Narly Academic – I like how it makes me sound smart and cool in a disgusting way
  • Saber-tooth Neanderthal Alternative – I like the way it makes me sound aggressive
  • Soothsaying NASA Antagonist – again it makes me sound brilliant (thanks to the NASA part) yet it also says all knowing pain in the ass,which is also true!

I am open to suggestions. I need to spice up my Job Title. Maybe something that comes with a red cape might be nice…

I need a Sign or Confetti or maybe even Fireworks.

Neon sign.
LOOK AT THIS!

Do you ever wish there was a neon sign telling you when you have stumbled onto a great thing? I do. I wish it all the time. When I see something great I think, that’s nice. Then I go out for a while and spend time with friends and they tell me about this GREAT THING and now they can’t live without it. I then recall seeing it but don’t quiet understand what all the fuss was about. It was like I missed the memo and am trying to catch up.

For example, have you ever watched late-night TV and saw an ad for a Snuggie? Essentially it is a blanket with arms. The ad says you can wear it watching TV and eat popcorn! Or you could wear it to a football game to keep warm! The Snuggie just doesn’t make sense to me. I am able to eat popcorn if I have a blanket on me. All you do is UNCOVER your arms. When I go to a football game, I wear a warm coat. I might bring a blanket for my legs if it is really cold. However, watching a football game in Edmonton means, wearing a snowsuit, so the need for a Snuggie is just not there. I missed the memo on how great the Snuggie is. Oh and by the way, you can get one for your DOG, for when fur just isn’t warm enough.

Have you ever seen the ad for the Slap Chopper? I missed the memo on that one too. I use a knife. It helps me prepare tuna or egg or even ham sandwiches. The Slap Chopper, while it does look fun, just doesn’t make sense to me. It won’t improve my cooking the way a great recipe will or fresh ingredients will. But it WILL make kitchen clean up a breeze. Will it really Slap Chopper Man? I have my doubts. I missed the memo on the Slap Chopper.

Then there is Slim Down with the Sauna Pro 3. You wear these Velcro belts and then move around. You get hot and sweat off INCHES of fat. Really? Who knew losing weight was that easy! How different is that from wrapping yourself in Saran wrap? I think I missed the memo on that one too.

Clearly there is something wrong with me. I do not see what all the fuss is about. A neon sign would help, maybe confetti and fireworks. All I want to do is go out with my girlfriends and say “LOOK what I found! It is AMAZING!” and pull out something I bought on TV before they do.

I don’t think that is to be my destiny. I think I am the one at the table who is supposed to think of all the other crazy possible uses for that item. Maybe I just need to keep looking at the world differently then add my own Neon.

Commen Sense: Don’t Leave Home Without it!

common sense

I am crabby today, or I am intolerant, or maybe it is just a weariness that comes when interacting with people who don’t seem to have common sense!

I know what you are thinking, you actually think everyone is born with common sense. NOT TRUE! Shocking I know, but I see it DAILY! For example: My honey and I were walking through the exit door at Sobey’s. A family was walking IN the exit door at Sobey’s at the same time. In spite of the fact there was an Entrance door, they choose to go throught the Exit door, with their cart and push my honey and I out of the way as if to say WE were doing something wrong by using the proper door. The Woman had a snarky look on her face as if to say “get out of my **** way”. Um, I don’t think so…

Today, I wore in Atomic Green and had Gigantic hair, it was obvious I was standing by the front door at work. The vestibule was crowded and so I waited to see if I could pick a spot to slip into and make my way down the hall. A Woman gave me a shoulder check into the boards door, and pushed me out of the way so she could leave! Did she say “excuse me?” NO! Did she say “Sorry!” NO!!!! Did I want to cross check her and give her an elbow to the teeth? YES! Did I? no… Only wishful thinking on my part. I don’t need a lawsuit just before I go on holidays. Knowing my luck, it would have been all my fault and I would have been charged with attempted something and given 10-15 years in the slammer.

Now that just may be lack of common courtesy not common sense, but both are a issues that are lacking in today’s society. I witnessed a guy walking down the street, not move out of the way for a person in a wheel chair then go head to head with a bus while he was crossing the street. Seriously? You’re mom never taught you to look both ways before crossing the street? Or to show a little kindness to others while walking down the street?

I knew a guy who always said “Don’t let fear and common sense hold you back.” That won’t be a problem for the people I encounter because they possess neither!

I have decided to make a handy list for those of you who need to know if you have common sense or not. If you have done any or all of these things, you should not be left unsupervised. *Please keep in mind that I either know someone who has done some of the items on this list OR watched it happened. Everyone of these common sense lacking items is real.*

You know you lack Common Sense When:

  1. You touch something hot, look at your hand and touch it again to see if you were right about it being hot!
  2. Taking the lid off the Food Processor and stopping the blade with your hand.
  3. Hanging up Christmas lights with staples.
  4. Holding a piece of wood in the palm of your hand, then using an air compressor to nail it to your hand.
  5. Testing a power socket with a screwdriver to see if it is live.
  6. Placing your BABY on the back of an Elk for a photo opportunity.
  7. Skiing out-of-bounds in the mountains (anytime) but mostly during avalanche season.
  8. Forcing your wife and children to stand between a mother Grizzly and her cubs for yet another photo-op.
  9. Climbing the fence at Athabasca falls to see better.
  10. Paddling down a class 5 river when you have never been in a canoe before.
  11. Throwing a match into a gasoline can to prove that the match will be doused in liquid before the fumes ignite, then talking to long about it with a lit match in their hands and having the students watch in horror as their teacher ignites.

Please remember Common Sense saves lives.

For Sale: Ocean View Home – but which Ocean?

I live in this great fantasy world where I have an infinite amount of money and can go live where ever I want. On the news tonight the local couple who won 10 million dollars said “we play that game of “what if” we won 50 million. But once you really have it, it’s a different story” I think they are lying. They are just “saying that” for the cameras. I think winning 50 million dollars would be a big boost to my spiritual tourism quest.

So lets play What would you do with  $50,000,000.00? ( I use to play the $1,000,000.00 game but that isn’t very much any more – not that it would hurt my feelings to win that much, just so you know in case you wish to give me that much)

What the Edmonton Tourist would do if she won $50 million:

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  1. Round the World Disney Style! All 5 resorts and a cruise for good measure. Plus Adventures by Disney Hollywood tour. I know my friends would think that would cure me for all time, but it would just fuel the fire!
  2. Buy a house on some beach looking at some ocean. But I want a good deal. AND I want it inconvenient enough that crazy “relatives” that I don’t know won’t come looking for me. AND by “ocean” I don’t mean Arctic or Antarctic.
  3. Shoes. I want the same or better shoe collection that my sister has. She has fab shoes but I want Choo’s and lots of them. And not one of then can have steel toes. AND I will buy her a pair.
  4. A Car with Electric Windows and Heated Seats . I have spent years building up the muscles in my index finger so I can lock my door manually. I don’t regret it, my finger has a very nice physique now and it looks great in jewelry. All that hard work paid off. But my finger now gets plenty of exercise typing, so maybe it’s time for an upgrade.
  5. Art. I want to go to the City Art Walk and buy what moves me. I want to show the artist that I love their work. Not just tell them. AND by “Art” I don’t mean barbed wire coiled on a spool.
  6. Season Tickets to the Edmonton Oilers. Laugh if you must, I bleed copper. I always have and always will. One day we will make the playoffs again and I want to be there. AND by “being there” I mean Club Seats.
  7. Quit my job. You will not hear me say in the lotto ticket interview “No, I am still going to go to work everyday, because I love being a Tupperware Lady”.AND by  “Tupperware Lady” I mean my real job. But I will volunteer weekly at a Head Start, and put my name on the list to rock babies at the NICU.
  8. Give Steve Jobs more money. I want a Mac and I want one bad.
  9. I want to set up a scholarship fund for Head Start kids. I would love to see those kids get a degree.
  10. Eat at Melting  Pot, I hear it’s great.AND by “great” I mean yummy.
  11. This is the part that I am supposed to say that I would share it with my family, friends and loved ones. The kicker part is, I don’t expect you to share with me because I am your relative. I don’t want you to give me money out of obligation. Of Course I know you feel the same way. I do understand that you will be mad at me and will never speak to me again. AND by “speak to me” I mean email. But if you attend parties in my home or go on picnics with me, you are in a different category. AND by “different” I mean I love you and want to share it all with you.

Okay, your turn.