The Birds and the Bees are too Risque for me, okay – there were no bees involved

In my lifetime I have laughed in the face of death, stood my ground, battled for justice and faced my fears. But sometimes you see something so terrifying you can never unsee it.

It happened to me today.

I was finished work, and sitting in my favorite chair beside the window reading Life and Life (a surprisingly great book in the middle and end and hard to love in the beginning). I had the windows open because spring is here with the promise of summer on Sunday. The cool spring breeze was floating through my home bringing with it the fresh smell of a promising summer. The sound of birds frolicking in the trees had me daydreaming of my youth and playing in forested areas wearing my cape and wellies, saving the good people of the earth from monsters and aliens from afar.

Then I saw it.

The scariest sight ever.

It is well documented that I have a fear of birds, from the Emu in Australia that tried to kill me, from the baby bird that hopped up to my chair on the patio. The mere proximity of birds close enough to feel the air flutter from their tiny wings is enough to send my heart racing and my blood pressure reaches severe stroke levels. However, I have discovered something more terrifying than the beady little eyes of a bird wanting to peck my hand.

I witnessed Bird Sex.

Horrifying as it was, I could not pull my eyes away. Those pornographic little creatures were pole dancing on my trellis just outside my window. It was a glorified strip show with feathers flying all over my deck. The finale from the hedonistic foreplay was too much for my eyes to bear, yet there I was staring helplessly at the sight.

All I could do was yell “GET A ROOM BIRDS! NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH YOU HAVING SEX!”

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Then they flew off together.

With my luck, the birdhouses will be filled with chicks before long. While I fear birds, I do not hate them. So I will spend the rest of my summer chasing Ginge, my feral cat away and shooing the magpies off with a broom just so I can protect the love children I witnessed being created today.

Now that I have seen the unseenable, I feel like I have a moral obligation to protect the innocent.

Stupid birds… next year GET A ROOM!

 

Strange and Mystical Topsy Turvy World of the Future, or as other people call it,Australia

Today’s Guest Post is from my blogging oracle, Christian Emmett. He writes a fun and fantastic blog over at Adventures and Insights. He is my Oracle in all things future related because in Australia it is TOMORROW already…how fantastical is that? Over the Christmas Holidays, he wrote 12 lovely pieces on Australian Christmas his way. I invite you to take a peek, they start here. It is a fun way to see how those future  Aussie’s celebrate in a way that is vastly different from us in the Northern Hemisphere. I also found it interesting that 6 White Boomers was not mentioned ONCE!  I was so facinated with his story, I asked him to relay the Holiday Traditions of his ilk here at the Edmonton Tourist. He graciously said YES!  So on with the words!!

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Ah, Christmas. A wonderful holiday comprising of snow, carols, cosy fires, layers of clothing and warm, snuggly blankets at bedtime. Days playing in the cold, white powder, adding carrot noses and stony smiles to round-bellied Christmas mascots, sledding, skating and snowball fights; night spent gathered in houses warmed by fire and human kindness. Trees and houses are decorated with colourful lights and baubles, wreaths of holly and assorted colourful paraphernalia designed to invoke merriment and a sense of generosity that is seemingly absent for 11 and a half months of the year. Oh, and don’t forget the mistletoe! 😉

At least, that’s how I understand Christmas works in the northern hemisphere and in the movies. Living in the future Australia, Christmas is usually something a bit different to what many people expect.

Another Christmas has passed and for me, it’s been a time of celebration. As a lover of Christmas, I look forward to the season for many reasons that are universal at this time of year. And yet, experiencing Christmas in the southern hemisphere provides a stark contrast to the winter wonderland seen by most of my cousins in the northern hemisphere. Take a trip to my neck of the woods during December and you’ll likely be greeted by something like this:

In my topsy-turvy World, Christmas is celebrated during Summer, not Winter. As a result, many families prefer the warm exterior (the beach is extremely popular at this time of year!) as opposed to the cosy interior when it comes to making the most of their Christmas. Camping grounds and beachside resorts are inundated with Christmas patrons, all sharing the famous Christmas spirit of generosity, friendliness and all sorts of merrymaking!

While our northern counterparts are enjoying a hearty meal of roasted meat, steaming vegetables, hot puddings and perhaps the occasional festive sherry to warm their internal organs as well as the cockles of their hearts, we here in the Great Southern Land are usually to be found tucking into a delicious cold salad, chilled ham and some particularly nice seafood as we raise a toast with a glass of wine or cold beer. We do cook, of course – we may be running around in scant clothing but we are masters of the barbecue.

Of course, we decorate like everyone else. Those who prefer the “traditional” touches can buy manufactured trees that mirror the firs of the frosty climates to decorate with lights and baubles. There’s a fair chance though that when visiting an Australian family, you’ll notice presents piled beneath a tinsel-laden palm tree instead. That’s how many of us roll.

I’ve said before on my own blog that I’d love to experience a winter Christmas. There’s a magic attached to it that I expect only someone who’s never properly played in snow can appreciate. At the same time, there’s nothing like an Aussie Christmas. The sunshine, the warmth, the outdoors – all contributing to an environment of good spirits at a time of year when they are best shown to others. We’re not rushing from one warm place to another, there’s no urgency in our travels. It makes it easier for us all to be nicer to each other as we pass in the street.

Yep, there are merits to be seen no matter how you celebrate Christmas. If you’re ever down my way, let me know – there’s always room for one more at our Christmas table in the sun.

It’s Smash Up Time Again!

Two days before Christmas! I am I have someone wrapping gifts, finished the baking, made my dish for Boxing Day, and I had time to read some blogs! I took a stroll down to Australia to visit my friend The Oracle, he was talking about other stuff to blog about when he brought up favorite Toys. That made me think about the Toys in my Brother’s Closet.

As a kid, we were never showered with gifts during the year. Come Christmas morning we were SPOILED ROTTEN! If it was on the list, my mom did her very best to find it for us. I got a brand new box of crayons every year, usually a new colouring book, new jammies and something fabulous from the Sears Wishbook.

I had great things, like Fischer Price Little People homes, my Baby Tender-Love who I fondly named Baby Tender Loin,everything Barbie and a Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. However, the most favorite toy of all was not even mine. Was it the Six Million Dollar Man with the bionic arm and eye? Nope, that was awesome and my brother never let me hold it, never mind play with it. Then there was his Light Sabre, it GLOWED IN THE DARK! There was only one, and no, I never got to touch it. Then there was all the Star Wars Action Figures, I was only allowed to be stupid Leia with the cinnamon buns on her head. No the Best Toy he ever owned had two parts, he needed me. I was the red and he was the blue. No it wasn’t those Rock’em Sock’em Robots, it was Smash Up Derby!

Awesome isn’t it?

We would sit in the long hallway downstairs next to our rooms. Set the ramps up in the middle and cheer when the cars hit each other, which was seldom. It took FOREVER to put the cars back together. I loved it when he asked if I wanted to play. Being the best blackmailer in all the world, my Brother would say “I will let you play if you set up and clean up or no deal” So I looked in the mirror and saw the word “chump” on my forehead and always agreed. I loved that toy and I would do anything to play with it.

As I think about the gifts my offspring will open Christmas Morning, none hold the same excitement as Smash Up Derby. Well, at least not for me. I have a feeling they will be thrilled with their gifts. Just like every kid who opens up a gift on Christmas morning.