2017: The Epic 50th Year

If you sat me down a year ago and asked me where I thought I might be December 29, 2017, I would not have guessed this. I think that is the biggest takeaway from this year is not knowing what is around the corner is normal and can have wonderful surprises.

I felt the sting of betrayal, the exhaustion of health issues, the joy of appreciation, the pride of ability and the excitement of exploration.

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2017 had me exploring more of my surroundings that I had not seen before. I crossed the new bridge in Terwillegar, tasted some of the best coffee in the city, saw a sea star clinging to rocks in the ocean, visited 4 National Parks, started a new job, had meaningful and grownup conversations with my brother, was visited by death,  read the most exquisite words and dumped the worst books that I could not get through. I learned that success is not a dollar value or a title and now I feel sad for people who do. I learned fighting for victims is possibly the most important work I do. (my children and I have talked about the world and where it is headed. History is a great learning lesson and we are doomed to repeat it. I said, “I am the kind of person who will hide people to keep them safe”. They both responded with, “so are we.” I felt great pride know their values are set.)

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I learned spending free time on things I don’t like is wasting my life. If I read a book that is terrible, I close it. If I taste something not worth the calories, I don’t finish it. I don’t hug people I don’t like. I make an effort to spend time with people who mean something to me. I take 30 minutes each day for meditation, it is more important than work. Work in a place that aligns with your values, it is not my life but I spend a lot of time there so having it fit with me is important. Loyalty is precious, don’t abuse it and only give where deserved.

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I gave up things that no longer matter or bring me joy, the NHL was the first to go. I still do not drink pop of any kind and gave up aspartame 31 months ago and all carbonated beverages are going. That includes beer so it is leaving my pallet this year. Participating in events that I dread or resent, not going to happen this year.

I learned it is okay to let goals go. I worked with a young gal (Emily) who had a long time life goal of becoming a doctor. One day she realized he had everything she wanted and being a Doctor was not part of her story any longer. She had the courage to say, its okay to let that goal go. She picked a new one and changed her life. We celebrated by taking a lovely walk in Mill Creek. I admire her and have learned more from her than most people in my life. She is a beautiful human. I cry just thinking about how powerful her belief in herself is. I made big changes because I was inspired by her, Thank you Emily <3.

I achieved every goal I set out for myself in 2017:

I meditated every day. As of today, I have meditated 383 consecutive days for a total of 170 hours and 52 minutes. I credit this to be the single most important thing I did for myself and it brought significant change. Sitting with yourself in silence for 30 minutes every day is the best gift you can give yourself.

  • I am calmer
  • I let go of things that are not important
  • I can see what is important and meaningful to me
  • I smile more
  • Things (purchased items) no longer have meaning
  • I appreciate people are doing the best they can with the knowledge and tools they have

I set a goal to read 35 books, I read 43 and likely will have read 44 by New Year’s Eve.

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The best book I read this year was by Elizabeth Strout, Anything is Possible. My favorite book of all time is My name is Lucy Barton by the same author. Lucy visits Anything is Possible and it was like catching up with an old friend. It is my favorite for personal reasons and how it made me feel when I could relate to the story.

I did something epic for my 50th Birthday. I had intended to visit New York City. It was a long time goal but circumstances had me changing my mind. Instead, I went to Tofino and it was the best vacation I have had in 50 years. I consider myself to be well traveled. This vacation was valuable.

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I went on as many adventures with my pal Captain as I could. As my health improves, I suspect we will go on even greater adventures together. I hope to bring him to Vancouver in the spring so he can visit the ocean and bark at harbor seals.

I fought for friendship and let other friends go. This falls into the “I know what is important” category. I chose kindness and learned fun can also be kind.

I supported my children unconditionally. I refuse to squash my children’s dreams. I will not warn them of peril or talk them into doing something they will hate. When they say to me, “I want to do/try/experience…” I say okay. I ask what their plan is and then I ask if they need help from me. I am watching them become amazing humans and living the life I wish I had the courage to live at their age. Happily, I have that courage now.

I made epic mistakes too. I asked for advice when I wasn’t ready to hear it. Actually, I thought I would get positive and uplifting support. I didn’t. It pushed me back into darkness. I am working on getting that sparkle back. I did learn who I can trust and who I need to hold at arm’s length.

I learned family is pretty damn important. But not all family are your people. Family can mean friends too. My parents and my children are my people. I have 7 friends who are my people. You know who you are, if you are thinking” am I her people?” you probably are if I eat breakfast with you, drink wine/coffee with you or talk/text to you on the phone.

So what will 2018 bring? I have no idea. I have decided to just let things happen and be the observer of my life. I will not manipulate circumstance to make things the way I think I should have them. I have set goals because I do not want to be a sloth, life doesn’t happen by sitting on the sofa, adventure is out there!

2018 Goals:

  1. Meditate for 30 minutes daily.
    • I created a nice little spot in my room to help with consistency. I journal about it on a blog I have created. It helps me see the progress/change I am experiencing. If you are interested in following it, contact me and I can give you the address or FB page. I am keeping trolls out.
  2. Write daily.
    • As with any practice, a daily occurrence is important. I will either blog/journal or work on my book.
  3. Protect Privacy.
    • Trolls feed on personal knowledge. I am sharing my privacy with important people.
  4. Be kind
    • I will ask myself every night as I review my day, “Where could I have done better?” Did I say something that was unkind? Could I have helped someone? We don’t get better without self-reflection, this will be my learnings.

I have 3 more goals that I will keep private – as part of #3’s goal. This makes me feel empowered.

I hope you also had a wonderful 2017 and learned many new things. Here is to continuing my epic 50th year and embracing the learnings that come with it.

Happy New Year my loyal readers!

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5 year olds and 50 year olds both like cookies

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2016 was  ROUGH RIDE! I know I am not the only one who felt this way. Seriously world, we need to get our act together!

I had a tough go the last bit of 2015 and moving into 2016 the bottom fell out. By August I had just about gone completely grey. Happily my hairdresser is a genius and she helped me appear put together on the outside while on the inside I was a sobbing disaster.

Everyone died this year, and quite frankly I am surprised there are still people left. I lost a favourite author a while ago, Maeve Binchy, and the lack of new reads by her was a huge loss to my library. If Carrie Fisher decides to leave, I will be down another favourite author. So I decided to write my own books. I finished 2 novels this year. When I say finish, I mean I completed the narrative but still need to edit and polish etc… I have great hopes for 2017 for becoming published. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

I have zero plans for travel 2017, New York was on my bucket list for my 50th birthday – I turn 50 in 2017 which astounds me because I often still feel like I have the decision making skills of a 5 year old, the only difference is I do it with authority instead of trepidation. I do not hear New York calling me right now. Too much has changed or rather too much became real. I think if I get anywhere for my 50th it will be Canada’s Maritimes and maybe visit my Little Gram’s old childhood haunts. I really feel like embracing my Canadian side since the US is a disaster right now and I am just tired of fighting the good fight, I feel like I need my Country. There is a comfort I am feeling being Canadian. Its that same feeling when you are 5 and your Little Gram cuddles you while she tells you a story. It feels like home.

5 and 50 look a lot a like.

  • I choose comfort over fashion
  • I pick friends who are kind and fun
  • I don’t play well with my enemies
  • cookies are still my favourite
  • naps are awesome
  • books are the best way to end the day
  • laughing is the best
  • Muppets are still my favourite

I made some serious changes to my lifestyle and I am feeling surprisingly great both on the inside and out! I still say yes more than no but I can tell people no and mean it. Walking away and owning my confidence is the best feeling ever.

Oprah was right, as you near 50 you really have things figured out if you put the work in. Damn, I put in some serious work and I really like who this me is. I couldn’t say that in 2010 when I started this project. Seriously  – I became the Edmonton Tourist in 2010! What a journey it has been.

As I move into my 50th year I reflect on the state of the world and it isn’t pretty. All I can do is fix my corner of the world so I am kind, tolerant and compassionate. I accept differences and embrace change. I help where I can and give what helps. Thats all I can do and that is all I expect anyone to do. A surprisingly amount of people are doing this just like me – there are those who are shockingly disappointing but I accept that they have their reasons for this and only step on if the under dog needs defending.

The Tao of Pooh made a big impact on me when I turned 21. I read it again this year when I turned 49. It reminded me of all the kindest people I knew in my life and reminded me to find my way back. So this is me.

I have finally reached that place where I can say I like me. I liked me when I was 5. I shall like me when I am 50.

I wish you the best of the season no matter what you celebrate. Enjoy it and be kind.

So, I hear you Quit: Deuxième Partie

A week ago I wrote this: So, I hear you Quit…

Since then I have had a lot of private messages come through from fat gals like me.

When I write, I get it out and then walk away. I haven’t given much thought to the blog post since I published it. But its resonated with readers, so I went back and re-read what I wrote.

I cried all over again. DAMN YOU TOURIST PEEPS!

Okay, not really, I appreciate you and the way you make me think and feel. Apparently, you appreciate me for those same reasons.

Lots of the newsy letters and comments from you had a common theme.

  1. People are judgey
  2. Boys are mean
  3. People like it when others fail
  4. Honesty is raw and strikes a cord

Lets just get this out the of the way and then I will answer questions and respond to your comments, okay?

First things First:

Write this out and fill in the blanks, sign it and date it. Put it somewhere to light the fire you are needing to get this show on the road.

Dear (insert the name of the person who hurts you most) ______________,

I am tired of crying because of the thoughts and words that you express about me. I am tired of you telling me that I am not going to make it or I shouldn’t even try because I was not (insert adjective of your choice – in my case its READY/FIT/PREPARED).

Without your help or support I will let you know I did a myriad of things that you deemed impossible. I succeeded in spite of you and I will succeed again. And when I do, you will be the LAST PERSON ON EARTH I will celebrate with. I will turn to those who high fived me, cheered for me, cried with me, gave me a hand up, quietly supported me and secretly knew I could do it. 

I am sick to death of supporting you and being the one you lean on in this one-sided relationship. Grow a pair, and I mean ovaries because balls are just too tender and delicate for this situation. You are my emotional vampire and quite frankly I just don’t need the drama. 

When I cross the finish line/graduate/lose weight/find a career, you being there won’t make a whit of difference because you didn’t help me get there in the first place. So stay home and sulk, because it’s not about you and you wish it was. Do yourself a favour and set some goals, then maybe you will finally understand what this whole exercise is about. 

For the official record, this is my plan for the year:

I am going to (insert your major goal here)

This is how I plan to achieve it (list the steps you will take to achieve your goal here)

This is how I plan to celebrate my success (insert the celebration of choice here)

Suckit.

Sincerely,

Me (sign your name here)

Now that you have filled it out, take a deep breath.

Your person who is blocking/sabotaging/jealous of your dreams/goals/abilities is honestly not thinking all that hard about you. They don’t think you can do it, the end. They don’t lay awake at night thinking about you. They lay awake at night thinking about them. They think about stupid stuff like, how can I get what I want by getting (you) to do it for me? Or I wonder if that sale on those great boots is still on, or damn its hot in here, I hate this Old Lady Hot business.

Truth.

We all think everyone is thinking about us but its not true. WE think about us. We dwell on comments made in passing and read more into things than are necessary…. well, I do anyways. And after reading so many of your stories, a lot of you do the same thing. If I am being honest, I much rather people be judgey to my face so I can fight back than if they silently click their teeth at me and I can’t defend myself.

So on that note,lets deal with the list of common themes from you.

1. People are Judgey. Hells yes they are! But you are too. You judge them right back for being judged. Its this never ending circular movement that makes my head spin. Here is what I am going to do about it.

Do my own thing with or without approval.

Boom.

My goal will be reached. Then End. Do I care that I don’t have the support I crave? Hells yes I do! But wanting it and having it are two very different things. I will carry on and complete my goals and Boom… I win, The End. So the moral of this story? JUST BE NICE PEOPLE!

2. Boys are Mean. No argument there. Boys are mean, but so are girls. That’s right, I called you on it. GIRLS ARE SO MEAN TOO! The big problem here is that males are different from females so it gets foggy in terms of hurt feelings. What one person calls truth another calls mean. its complicated. My boys were hurtful to me, but I was hurtful back. The End. Humans are stupid. Just BE NICE PEOPLE! 

3. People like it when others fail. This is human nature. I know a gal who yelled some smack that was shocking to hear. She said “someone is lying and it aint me”. True, but she was loving that the other person was failing. I wish I could say I am above this, but I heard that someone who annoys me failed and I felt smug… I didn’t want to admit it because I knew that it was shameful that I felt this way… but there was me feeling it anyways. At least I had the good sense to keep it to myself. Feelings just are. You can’t control them you can’t manipulate them, they exist without your permission. What you can do is control what you do with them. From NOT TEXTING stupid stuff, to biting your tongue when necessary. Kicking someone when they are down is inhumane and just plain cruel. You should be able to tell when a person is down, and not laughing at themselves. If you can’t, you need social queues to help you. There are books for this. But most people can figure it out. So whats the plan? JUST BE NICE PEOPLE!

4. Honesty is RAW and Strikes a cord. Hells ya! You know what annoys me? When someone is just plain mean and says “I’m just being honest” Really? Or are you Judgey, mean and enjoying the fail? Honesty can take a couple of forms, 1) your friend is being an idiot and you say “What the hell are you doing? SNAP OUT OF IT MAN!” Calling someone on their actions is not the same as calling them a douche bag. Its just not. And 2) so and so did this and blablabla… That’s gossip, not honesty. Gossip is hurtful. If you wouldn’t talk to your friend about it and can’t say it to their face, its not honesty, its gossip. Totally different. Honesty can be kind and painful, but not hurtful.

Here is what I mean, 1) you are a very thoughtful person. See how that was kind and true? That’s honesty. Now, here is painful honesty, 2) when you did this _______, I felt this __________. Ouch but important to know your actions cause pain. That way you can change your act.

The bottom Line? BE NICE PEOPLE! Why is this so hard?

I don’t have an answer, I just know its hard.

So here is my goal plan:

I am running Dumbo Double Dare the September long weekend.

I am doing strength training on my knee to get it into the best possible shape before I start running again.

I will run 4 times a week, include hill training, speed work and LSDs. Core and muscle work will continue as well as weight loss.

I will cross the finish line, get my photo taken and wear my medal around my neck all damn day, then drink to my success. I am dripping with confidence.

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There you have it, my goal. Simple and it doesn’t require help. I will not turn down support, but I have enough going on that I don’t need to search for support. Once bitten, twice shy and all that jazz. I know who my supporters are, they hugged me when I failed. They will hug me when I succeed.

Boom

The End

And for crying out loud…. JUST BE NICE PEOPLE!

Like a Boss

My Parents came home yesterday. They sold everything and left for Europe for an undetermined amount of time. They aren’t really home, they are visiting.

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I hadn’t spoke to them in 106 days. Apparently I am bad at email. My sister emailed my parents 104 times. That is 1 for everyday they were away except for the 2 she was on the plane to England and didn’t email them because she was sitting beside them.

Apparently that makes me a bad daughter.

I’m better at texting.

This was the first time since the ‘DARK TIMES’ that I had been separated from my parents.

  1. Yes I am 47 years old
  2. No it doesn’t make me an insecure baby
  3. I do not have a dysfunctional relationship with my parents
  4. we just actually like each other.

I haven’t felt like crying so much since my parents left in July, 106 days ago.

I called my dad this morning and I instantly cried. Damn I missed them. It’s not even like I am the favourite child. That would be the sister. And rightly so, she takes care of them in ways I just don’t. Then the next favourite would be the brother. He is dependant on them in ways I am not. As a mom, I know there isn’t a favourite, they just like each of us for different reasons. I happen to be the most independent of the lot. I keep to myself, hold my problems in and try not to worry anyone. I took care of everyone when I was younger, now I let my sister do it because she loves it, I just did it out of a sense of obligation. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself and my offspring. I have learned a long hard lesson about self-care that I need to be cognizant of. People call it selfishness, I call call it survival. I always seem to be on the brink of disaster and I manage to hold it off.

That gets exhausting and it is exhausting talking about it.

So, I didn’t write about it. Mom didn’t get to hear about my days or the weariness in my bones, or the times I felt like I was a total an utter failure. As a mom, I know she wanted to hear those things….but I don’t do that. I don’t share. It’s easier to stamp the feelings down and swallow them.

After lunch, I packed up the FamJam and we drove out to my Grandmothers where my sister and my parents are currently living while my sister’s home is – for lack of a better word – being finish. My parents will have a home base/in-law suite where they can have a home base while they travel the world being gypsy hobos.

I walked up the steps to the house and right into the arms of my daddy. I cried inside where no one saw. I stuffed the tears away because I didn’t want to be teased or have my emotions get in the way for visiting. I didn’t want it to be about me. I wasn’t the one who left. I wanted to hear about them.

We stayed all afternoon and caught up on their zany adventures. I learned a lot of things about my parents.

MOM: The Woman who faced her fears until Hell Froze Over

  1. She went topless on the Mediterranean (My mom has always been modest to the point almost to the level of Prudish)
  2. She drank beer AND Scotch (Alcohol always scared her and for good reason)
  3. She smoked a cigar
  4. She likes my dad – and not because he is her husband. They spent 106 days together ALONE and enjoyed their time together. They have been a couple since they were 14. Liking each other is an important part of that.

DAD: The Man who doesn’t give a crap about what people think

  1. He sat on a bus tour and gave people hell for being late – they never showed up late again (Who else has the balls to call people on their shit?)
  2. He naps whenever he damn well feels like it…and like a boss (In Kensington Palace he was bored, so he laid down on the sofa and slept…in the palace… In London)
  3. If he thinks something is outrageous, he says so. (I always thought I took after my mom, but really, I am like my dad. People annoy me and I call them on it. Just like he does. I also expect people to call me on my shit – I respect them if they do. I think they are weak if they don’t)
  4. He likes my mom. They laugh together and have a good time. He lets her baby him and he humours her by letting her plan everything. Compromise is important.

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I also learned my siblings and I are more alike than we are different.

My sister wore a fancy hat on the plan home because she didn’t have a hatbox. She owned it like a boss. It wasn’t that much different from the time she wore a Sombrero home from Mexico because how else would you get it home?

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I am pretty much the same. I have learned that life is too short to waste time doing what bores you or is annoying or out of obligation. I am busy. I have very little time for my family. They come first. Everything else second. Don’t like? I’m cool with that. I cannot please the world.

As my dad is known to say, “If someone doesn’t like it, they can go down the street to find something they do like. Don’t break your neck trying to please because only you and your family matter in the end anyways.”

Amen Dad.

Welcome home, I’ve stopped crying now, so maybe we can hang out later.

Trust the Journey

AC366 Back

I have been drifting lately.

I went for my annual MRI and lots of ‘stuff’ surfaces while I am alone with my thoughts for two hours. Perhaps I should do that more often….be alone with the thoughts. My busy life prevents me from dwelling too much, then suddenly I need to stop and think and it leaves me in an unsettled state of mind.

When I go in for my MRI, they need to get a clear picture of my brain and my acoustic neuroma. To do that, they place a cage over my head and attach it firmly to the bed while they roll me into the tube. I’m not going to lie, it isn’t at all pleasant. I suffer from claustrophobia and tried to keep myself calm enough to not have an anxiety attack. My mind was reeling between thoughts – none of them were positive in the way that made me feel great about my journey. In fact, some thoughts were actually harmful to my psyche.

I had spoken in great length to an incredible friend earlier in the week. We talked about my frustration with people constantly telling me I will be fine.

Dear People: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT. Telling me I am fine makes me feel like my feelings are inconsequential. My feelings just are. I cannot control them, they exist in a way that cannot be altered. I don’t like it, but I have learned to accept my feelings for what they are and not numb them. I know you mean well, and are trying to reassure me, but it just makes me angry.

There is a group of cancer survivors that come to my place of work every Monday night. They are part of a run/walk group that support each other and understand their situations in ways people around them just don’t. i have learned plenty from them. One gal in particular talked about not sharing details about her cancer because she didn’t want to alarm anyone, instead, it made things worse. People worried more about her.

I struggle with how much to share. I grew up with people telling me to stop being so mellow dramatic.

Ouch.

So how much is too much?

I cry on my own a lot. I blame other situations to ease the fear of the one I am facing.

So what exactly am I facing and why does it scare the crap out of me?

Well, here we go.

My Fear for all to see, judge and dissect.

  1. I fear my bran being altered in a huge way. I notice changes already, like not being able to recall nouns. Descriptors are fine, I can do that. Its like the door in my brain that holds all the nouns is locked. I can see it picture, word, image, but I cannot speak it. it evades me. Not every time, but enough that is scares me.
  2. I fear my intelligence vanishing. This part may be mellow dramatic, but it is a real fear. I never felt smart. Ever. I have learned and read studies that the more intelligent you are, the less you think you are. Which is why there are shows like JackAss. Those people are not bright, but are POSITIVE they are. With intelligence comes a humbling notation that you do not know everything, sure I tell everyone I do, but I don’t. Going back to University really proved a lot to me. I am smart, capable and understand a whole lot more than I give myself credit for. It scares me that I will lose this. Although sometimes, it might be nice to be dumb enough not to worry about things. It sounds peaceful.
  3. I fear my personality changing.  I like who I am. Whether its a real fear or not, I don’t want to be different unless I make those changes. I like being in control of who and what I am, the thought of a tumour being in control makes me angry.
  4. I fear I will look like an old person. I am 47 years old. There is a real possibility of me losing the strength in my face, making me look like I had a stroke. Apparently I am vain. I have never felt pretty, or desired…ever. But what I have I embrace. A lot of damage has been done to me over the course of my lifetime. I let men make judgements, and them believed them. I am at the point in my life right now where I am not over it entirely, but over it enough to say I look damn good for someone pushing 50. Please don’t make me look different until I am ready.
  5. I fear I will not be available for my children. My work has taken me away from them. This upsets me more than the tumour making me unavailable. But a real truth is all four fear reasons I listed above could make become emotionally unavailable or worse, physically unavailable. Death isn’t so much a reality, but vegetablism is. If that happens, please unplug me.  I trust my surgeon but anyone can have a bad day. Brain surgery is a big deal and I am not ready for it…now or likely ever. Thankfully I am not in the position to have it…yet.

 

Over the past 5 years, I am not going lie, my life has been difficult. I recognize other people’s lives haven’t been a cakewalk  either. Everyone has their own struggles. I do know this, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. If you told me I would be standing here with the circumstances that surround me, I would never have believed it.

Yet here I am.

There is one thing I know when everything else seems so lost to me.

Trust the Journey.

It all seems to work out in the end.

I’m just not at the end yet.

 

 

MY NAME IS: yeah…not very popular

I lamented about Coke not ever putting my name on their can. I got over it.

Well, I pretended to. I went on holidays to Disneyland and searched high and low for my name spelled correctly on a SOMETHING…no luck.

I get home, check the mail, and I have a surprise package in the mail!

WOOOHOOO! I love surprises, except when I don’t and that is another story.  But this surprise came from New York via Ireland.

My running/book pal Tammy from Jibber Jabber went to Ireland and discovered a name plate with my name spelled the proper way! Here is proof:

 

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So mom…where ever you are, I am happy the Europeans – well – Irish folk, think my name is worthy of printing it and selling it.

I forgive you mom.

 

Thanks Tammy – you DO win 🙂

Hey Universe! Thanks for the love!

IMG_3066There is a lot of crud and crappiness going on in the lives of my friends and other people who surround me.

Me included.

I have been knee deep in a pity party for two this week and before that, I was alone in pitiness. No running is hard for me and makes me cranky.
I miss the morning long run quiet through the ravine. I haven’t been alone with my thoughts for quite some time and it is beginning to show.

I am an introvert by nature. Meaning I need alone time to recharge my batteries. Introvertedness does not mean shy. I am a looooooooooong way from shy. I have enough brainy confidence to run a country – I may suck at it but who cares? I have the balls to do it.

I lack in confidence when it comes to sense of physical self. Running was fixing that. It firmed and toned and cleared the head. IT made me feel sexy and fit. Any woman knows that feeling sexy makes you sexy. I have come a long way from the massive me. Yesterday an old chum popped into the store and I hadn’t seen her for about 5 years – long before my transformation began. She couldn’t  believe how much I changed. I have changed…. A LOT! I have gone through a self depreciating time because of my lack of thinness. We all know thinness = hot and sexy right? Wrong.

WEll….. due to a pity party I was having, I was not feeling all to great about self. I think this streak began April 2011. The beginning of the darkest time in my life. Heart broken, pathetic, and depressed. This was me:

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I take a long time to heal.

I pick at a scab and examine it over and over.

Running was getting me through the bad bits. Okay….so was medication. But I was getting through it. I had reached a point where it really didn’t matter if I felt like crap because I could go for a run and feel fantastic.

I have run MAYBE 15 times all year.

One of them was the Calgary Half Marathon. It’s cool for me to run a half without a lot of training and still PR. That boosted the sense of self BIG TIME. Now I am anxious to run AND train to see how great I can do.

I am proud of my progress dammit! I have lost the size of a 16 year old girl. Imagine a 16 year old girl glued to your backside. Yep….I lost that.

I am not finished.

But I am missing the sexy mojo running brings. My girlfriends tell me I look great. The Hubs does too. But hearing it and feeling it are two different things. I have been slammed down by fake friends. These very same fake friends who feel crappy about themselves and used me to make themselves feel better. These women disgust me to my core. I am not judging them for their actions, I pity them. I am disgusted with myself for letting ME feel crappy about me so they could feel better.

It’s been a really long time since I woke up and felt great.

Well… It happened today.

I woke up.

My hair was awesome.

My skin is all soft and shiny – less wrinkles than other women my age.

My girls are perky and SMALL WOOOT!!!

I felt fab! It showed from head to toe. Rockin a smaller size jean. My toes still look great from my summer pedi, so the sandals were fab! I was smiling from the inside out.

Then it happened.

I looked down in the alley and found a Tim Card. I decided to treat myself to breakfast. I pull up to Timmy’s and order breakfast and a coffee. $5.09 was the total. I handed the gal my new card. $5.09 on the card. THANK YOU UNIVERSE! THIS MADE MY DAY!!!

It was like someone felt sorry for me and decided to treat me to a bit of kindness. I really needed it after the last few days.

Then it happened AGAIN!

I won $100 Future shop card! WOOT!

I went and bought a new keyboard for my Mac – a proper size one, not the mini one you get with the Computer. And blew the rest on iTunes cards.

I was smiling big by this time.

Then it HAPPENED AGAIN!

I got a Starbucks card from a friend who thanked me for something I did. I went and bought me and Chatterbox a coffee. The EXACT AMOUNT that was on the card.

Seriously, I know these are just ‘things’ but sometimes its the little things that can turn around a feel or even the whole day.

So here is to those fake friends who fish for information. Who hurt others while only thinking of themselves. Your life will still be sad while mine is awesome. I have just decided to turn you off.

Thank you Universe for sending some love my way!! New Day, New Life, Better Choices.

It’s all good.

 

 

 

It’s a HOT ONE

I have a little Santana playing in the background. For the record, the sexy piece of music out there. Meanwhile Edmonton is roasting hot. Feels like 40C because of humidity. Seriously? I’ll take it because I am homesick for my Hawaiian vacation. My family went off to celebrate the last of the great adventures with the kiddos ( I doubt it but it IS the last time I am footing the bill). We celebrated graduations and life progressing. Surviving difficult moments and escaped from Edmonton’s frigid weather of 30C. At Ko Olina on Oahu, temps reached +40C. It was fabulous with the trade winds blowing. I never wanted to leave, but my family dragged me kicking and screaming on the plane. I am still not speaking to them.

Everything about this vacation was charmed, from running into my brides made at the WestJet counter (resulted in being upgraded to PLUS) to being upgrade to a villa at Aulani (where we stayed on the Island).

Of course we stayed at a Disney Resort…hello – its me!

Disney has a special way with details and customer service. At night time the trees twinkle with fairy dust (a magic trick by hanging crystals in trees and focusing spotlights on them) The sidewalks light up like EPCOT, the theme music in the background is always perfect but the best thing they could contrail was this:

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Every night that was the view from the beach.

I discovered I am impervious to sunscreen. With the sun directly overhead, this alabaster Canuck found the intensity too much. That didn’t stop me from sitting on the beach – in the shade – covered in 90 spf – under a towel. yet I still looked like this:

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Most of all this trip was filled with Volcano climbing, snorkelling, and site seeing with the occasional indulgent into racing and character greetings.

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I had the chance to experience things I had not done before, like wade into the ocean. I had always feared the sea, the waves being so powerful and overwhelming. I concurred that feeling this time and wished I could full on swim. Sadly, my surgery prevented me from full submersion.

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I went waist deep…not just ankle deep.

The draw back of this vacation, and perhaps it’s just me, but I found the food terrible. I have no idea why people rave about the food, perhaps dry tasteless food is awesome for them. But I couldn’t argue with the spectacular view nor the beverages.

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The highlight for me was being there with my ohana, a close second was doing NOTHING and tell ohana to ‘take off eh’ when they would ask things of me. I was selfish and self indulgent. This was the first mom trip for me where I behaved like this. I didn’t care who ate, when they ate, what they did or whether there were entertained. I still don’t know if they had a great time because I didn’t ask. Perhaps this me letting them grow up or perhaps its me taking responsibility of my self. Either way, BEST VACATION EVER.

I have a dog now

True Story.

Hef the Wonder Dog

 

It has been over 20 years since I have lived with a dog. I didn’t think I could after my beloved Sparky, but a couple of years ago…I started having ‘puppy pangs’

Kinda like when your biological clock starts ticking only different, obviously.

Last night My Chatterbox and I sat over dinner and discussed dog names.

We went through the gambit…funny, we only really picked boy names.

  1. Walter
  2. Watson
  3. The Captain – Cap
  4. The Doctor – Doc
  5. Mark Messier
  6. George Clooney
  7. Weasly if it was a ginger
  8. Prince – over MY DEAD BODY
  9. Cappuccino – Cap for short
  10. Capaletti – Cap for short
  11. Stormageddon Dark Lord of All
  12. Amelia Pond if it was a female – Pond for short as in “Come along Pond”

Watson won.

The next morning I had THE TALK with the hubs and asked why he was against the idea.

Apparently his biggest fears are :

  1. It will die one day and that sucks
  2. The hubs will do all the work
  3. Where will we put it when we go on holidays

All lame.

I think the biggest fear he had was falling in love and having his heart broken.

That is the problem with dogs. They are awesome.

I texted Chatterbox this morning – she was in bed. I do this to she if she is awake. The conversation went like this:

Me: You up?

CB: No

Me: Come downstairs, we need to talk.

CB: #$@%NGJ%M! fine

Then she came down stairs.

CB: What did I do, how much trouble am I in?

(I love that she assumes she is in trouble…so proud!)

Me: we are going to the SCARS adoption event today to pick out a dog to keep.

CB: SERIOUSLY? When are we leaving?

Me: 11:30

She vanished.

 

If you know my Chattbox, then you know that she is never on time for anything. This time she was ready and waiting.

We went to the adoption event and were interviewed. I filled out an application with questions like “if your pet was sitting on the sofa and you wanted him off, what would you do?” There was a lot of ‘What if” questions.

Having aRescue Dog was important to me. I like to rescue animals and humans. This guy was likely a an outside dog that fought for his own food. He acts like he isn’t allowed inside and positions himself as Alpha around other dogs. He is confident and affectionate with humans.

When we walked into the place, I saw him across the room. He looked me in the eye and wagged his tail. He was mine.

I talked to the host and she asked us what our lifestyle is like, then she introduced us to my dog.

Fate.

The Dog picks the Family.

He was on TV earlier that morning and lots of people wanted him. They picked us. ChatterBox took him outside with the Foster Mom. She picked us too. Then she cried because

  1. She will miss him
  2. He found a good fit

We were granted a sleep-over. Apparently this rarely happens. The Foster Mom will come tomorrow to finalize the adoption process if she approves of the conditions.

His Name is Hefner. He won’t entertain the idea of Watson, but will come to Hef.

He likes to sit in my son’s spot.

This might be a problem, my kid is Sheldon and that’s his spot. There may be some Alpha stuff going on when my boy gets home from his trip.

Oh ya son, we got a dog.