Tears

I have been free-forming emotions this week. Processing grief has been a valuble learning exercise for me. I have allowed emotions to come and go as they arise. The interesting thing about all of this is tears. They aren’t always sad. This is the most surprising thing of 2020. I thought I would be sad all the time. Tears are hovering just below the surface and sometimes they leak out because I am sad or angry, but sometimes its because I am happy.

I wouldn’t call myself a cryer. But if I look back to the times in my life where I was the happiest – I was definitely a cryer. The last five years or so I have stuffed my emotions deep down into the socks I wear. I don’t pay attention to them. I have been missing out on joy and happiness because I have been numbing myself so I don’t feel sad.

THIS IS REVOLUTIONARY.

I am slightly angry at me for wasting so much time trying to get the wrong people to love me. Okay – let’s face it, I am downright pissed I did that. I told my mom I didn’t think I was lovable for a really long time and I think that broke her heart a little bit. We determined I was loveable, I was just asking the wrong people to love me. I went for a Reiki session and have done all kinds of inner-child work (whoa…that was painful). Then, finally, I am nurturing myself with a dose of allowing. News Flash, you don’t have to ask people to love you. The right ones just do.

I allow feelings to flow. It happens at weird times and places. Like work…ug… that is the worst but the reactions at work have been surprisingly caring. I didn’t expect that. I am not sure why, I work in a culture that is very caring, perhaps the most caring place of my entire career. The place that you would think was supposed to be the most nurturing was the most harmful to me. I also find that interesting – and I resent that because I thought there was something wrong with me – nope it was them.

The other day I was scrolling through Instagram and saw this:

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I loved this post by @haleydrewthis  because LOOK AT ALL THE HAPPY MOMENTS! This inspired me to write my own list. I think it is important for me to recognize the happy and sad moments and allow those tears to flow. crying feels great when it is over. I am here for it.

  1. Standing over my baby’s crib listening to tiny baby snores.
  2. Laying down with my pal Cap on the stairs and feeling his heartbeat.
  3. Standing on the balcony in Irving and looking at the pool before I leave knowing this is it.
  4. Sitting on a rock in Big Sur and watching whales swim by.
  5. Holding my friend’s hand when her mom died.
  6. Sitting in meditation asking for help to move forward.
  7. On the floor of my classroom hearing the words “your grandpa is in the hospital and it doesn’t look good”
  8. Sitting and my desk when my mom said, Gram died through the night.
  9. The Good Place series finale when everyone walks through the door.
  10. My very first half marathon having my kids walk with me across the finish line.
  11. Standing in the ocean at Tofino with the hubs waiting for me onshore.
  12. Every time my kids sit with me and we laugh.

Good, bad and ugly – life is awesome.

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