I am now home.
I have been at Walt Disney World for the last week and now that I am home I feel discombobulated. So good to see my family but so sad to leave my team.
I traveled down to Florida to support my team in their epic quests for The Dopey Challenge, to attend some DAWS Foundation meetings and events and Participate in the Donald half marathon. I did a ton of stuff I had never done before and learned new things, met new people and had an amazing time over all. I honestly can say I love my team and wish I could spend all my days with them.
It was pointed out to me that I may enjoy starting fights at the end of the vacation because it is easier to leave in anger than to say good bye. Well…sure? I didn’t do it intentionally and I much rather leave crying because I will miss everyone than crying because I am mad. But then I learned that I made THEM mad.
Apparently I had a secret agenda for the half marathon. I was going to walk through the Castle and then call it quits.
I don’t remember it that way.
I do remember thinking “there is no fucking way I will be able to keep pace ahead of those balloon ladies with my knee the way it is. No freaking way.”
And there is it is.
That moment of mental strength out the window. The real reason my journey ended in the medical tent. I lost it.
That morning at 2:30 AM I woke up and was not nervous. I felt good. My knee was being a jerk, I taped it up, put on compression to keep swelling down, dressed and couldn’t think what I was going to wear to keep warm. I failed to bring throw away clothes for the start. I wrapped myself in a pashmina and figured I would be fine. It was quite cool and damp, but I was doing okay. I got separated from my team, but I was okay with that. I was mentally preparing for the fight ahead. I wanted to finish for a couple of reasons:
1. I love crossing the finish line.
2. There was a huge judgy rant back at the room the day before about slow runners and moving up corals so they can finish, people who don’t even try….yadda yadda yadda….
3. I have lost my mojo this year and need it back. My confidence is gone and this feels like one be giant fail of a year. It was harder than it needed to be or I am more sensitive than I need to be. At any rate, I wanted this.
I was enjoying the solitude of the coral when my guys show up. They found me. I was both elated and devastated at the same time. I had talked to my coach and told him my reasons for needing to run alone. I never run with people and have a great run. It is stressful for me. I don’t enjoy it. I can’t get into my zone and just go. I constantly worry. I know I am holding them back, I know they could go a whole lot faster, I just think about them instead of me. The WHOLE POINT OF ME RUNNING was to focus on me. That alone was a difficult thing to do. I am not that person. I am the caretaker and learning to set aside me time was really difficult.
Stressing that they would be running with me pretty much ruined my trip. It was hard for me to relax in the days leading up to it. I would tell them no thank you, and I would get, too bad, we are running with you.
So there was that.
After I talked to my coach, I felt relaxed. I then had it in my head that I was doing this. My race, my terms, my way. Run my OWN race, the way you are supposed to.
When we reached the start line, I hugged and kissed them all, wished them well and was ready to watch them take off at the speed of light.
But that didn’t happen
They stayed around me.
I told them to go but they didn’t and it flustered me.
I ran too fast, I ran too slow, I tried to lose them, I was all over the place and started to cry. This was the WORST RACE EVER! I was in Walt Disney World! This was supposed to be AWESOME.
The worst of it is, they meant well. They were there to support me and I tried everything to get rid of them.
Coach came up to me and I told him how angry I was at them. He said he would make them leave at the first mile marker.
It took 5km for me to calm down but I never found my stride.
By Mile 5 my knee had swelled so much I had lost mobility and need to walk for longer stretches. I wasn’t having fun, I had no business being in this race and I wanted to just sit and cry. As I walked into Magic Kingdom, it hit me. I was doing what I had long dreamed about! I got my shit together and kept movingI was going to finish this freaking race. I stopped to take a selfie in front of the castle.
Keep moving forward was my mantra.
Passed Buzz Light year, the weird happy guy from Tangled, a bear from Country Bear Jamboree and was able to really focus on the awesomeness of the course through Magic Kingdom. I checked my garmin and my pace was slowing. I had fallen behind pace by 3 minutes. I tried to step it up.
I left back stage and made it past Mary Poppins and Bert on the left and the gold course was on my right. I was just over half way.
A big bus pulled in front and boom….. done.
The Grim Sweepers won and I sat on the cry baby bus with all the other crying/injured/slow runners/walkers. Worst feeling ever.
I get to medical, they wrap me up, ice my knee, wrap me in a blanket and off to go look for my team. I have no idea where they are, I’m not getting text service, I am lost and defeated.
Coach calls and asks where I am because they were had already started to leave without me.
All mad at me for quitting.
It was that moment where I wished I hadn’t come. I wished I wasn’t me and I wished for someone to take the knife out of my knee.
I sat in a ice bath and cried. I felt lonely, disappointed and lost. I became that fat girl who couldn’t do anything again. Who wanted to fit in and just didn’t. Who wanted people to understand but couldn’t.
I was so ready to go home.
WORST DAY EVER.
So there we are. 2014 is done, this race is DONE. Soon the crying will be DONE.
Knee will get better and I will begin again….from scratch.
I can’t go back there until I am different. That may take a while, but I am working on it.
When I do… I will own it.