Once upon a time, in a land far far a way lived a little girl named Tourist. She lived in a magical place named Edmonton. This place was a small town in a big city, where hockey players were treated like rock stars and shopping malls were tourist attractions. Tourist liked to go places to sing and dance. One time, long before MacT was VP of player operations, even before he was coach, even before he played volleyball tournaments at Seba Beach, even before he was Captain, but after he was in prison…so the time in between when he was winning Stanley Cups, he dated Debbie Andrews. Debbie Andrews’ daddy had a car dealership, but Debbie liked to dance and her papa like to make money, so he built her an American Bar in Canada, it felt a lot like a Canadian Bar. So no one really understood the distinction.
After weeks of camp life, river guides and sunburns, Little Tourist liked to let loose. She would go to Denny Andrew’s American Bar, drink Paralyzers, flirt with hockey players and speaker dance. Speakers were placed around the dance floor with spotlights on them to encourage girls to dance. So Tourist did. It was her dream to do this:
She danced to the likes of George Michael, INXS, Cheap Trick, White snake, Def Leopard, David Lee Roth and Pebbles. She rarely had to buy a drink. She danced with Hockey Players who thought they were rock stars, Football players who wished they were hockey players, some dude from FireFly and his brother, and a Scott named Murdo who could wield a paddle on the rapids like no other. He had subtle moves – like Swayze in Dirty Dancing. In fact, he was quite smooth with those moves. He would never join Little Tourist on the giant speakers like the Hockey dudes, he preferred out of the spot light. Those were considered fun Saturday nights.
Pretty sure this is how Tourist looked when dancing.
Then one day a dragon came and ruined everything…bla bla bla… you know the story. Monster steals girl, girl needs to rescue herself, girl goes back to University and work her guts out forever, then one day she takes a break. She signed up for the 64 days of fun program.
Little Tourist never forgot her dream of being a dancer ho/go-go girl. She just needed to place it on the back burner for a while.
Then one day, when all the stress ended, Little Tourist was invited to a biker bar. The purpose was Karaoke. Shockingly enough, she was the only one who had been there before. In fact, when she walked in it was like an Episode of Cheers. People shouted (only one person) TOURIST! Of course Tourist knows everyone and shouted HEY! back-atcha! Tourist has friends who like to challenge her. They signed her name up for all kinds of songs and she went up in groups/pairs and solo to sing. Tourist knew she sang fabulous in her head, so she pretended to be in the car. Old 80’s music turned to magic as the night moved on. Creepy bar guys sat and stared at the only group of chicks in the place. Obviously Tourist was with a group of teachers celebrating the end of school so they started the night off with a kick-ass version of Alice Cooper’s Schools Out. Clearly they were superior to Alice’s version. They EVEN had an Air Guitar SOLO because Angus Young is awesome like that. She can Air Guitar with the best of them…and in some instance BETTER. I know it’s hard to believe – but true story.
Tourist, Trophi Girl, Chicken Hawk and the Entourage kept picking tunes and amazing the crowd. Soon fans started dedicating songs to the Entourage. Ray, an 84 year old fellow, kept singing love songs to Angel, Ryan the fireman came and started chatting up Superstar. Only tourist suspects Ryan isn’t a REAL fireman because firemen look like this:
Ryan the Fireman had on a NYFD hat. Tourist suspected he was a tourist too. Bulldog wanted to start a knife fight with Ryan Fire Dude, but Tourist said let Superstar enjoy the moment. So Ryan the fireman sang a song to Superstar and she got up to dance with him WHILE HE WAS SINGING IT, because she is awesome like that and obviously is a cougar.
But the highlight was when Tourist was called a Solid Gold Dancer. (Okay, I think the entourage all got called solid gold dancers, but I am pretty sure it was just to be polite because between you and me – Tourist was the best dancer.) She has experience from her speaker dancer ho/Go-Go Days. How did this happen you ask?
Trophi Girl and Karaoke Queen got up to sing Shoop. Don’t know it? Sure ya do. It’s a little Salt-n-Pepa:
The Entourage got up and made their way to the stage to dance.(I’d post a video of the fabulous dancing but it would be redundant because it was EXACTLY like the girls in the video because the Entourage is awesome like that.) Obviously Tourist was the best dancer and carried the team, although Angus Young could hold her own in ANY dance competition. After the song the Hostess said “Lets hear a big round of applause for Karaoke Queen, Trophi Girl and the Solid Gold Dancers.
It finally happened and all on the very first day of the 64 days of fun program. Tourist with the dream of being a speaker ho/GO-Go-dancer became a Solid Gold Dancer.
And Tourist lived Happily Ever After.
Because really who doesn’t want to wear shiny spandex, headbands and have all those cheesy moves?
*Look for Solid Gold Tourist at festivals and carnivals this summer