Quixotic Quest

I love lazy Sunday mornings. I lay in bed catching up on my favorite blogs via my mobile. I mostly read three very different genres of blogs. 1.The humorist blogs that make me roll my eyes or laugh out loud. 2. Active/fitness blogs where people talk about their success or failure when it comes to life changes. 3. Blogs that make me think. Oh Scarecrow, I think I like those blogs most of all. This mornings thought provoking challenge was brought to me via the Broadside Blog by Caitlin Kelly. She is a professional and polished writer, unlike most of us slobs here on WordPress. Usually when I get the chance to read one of her posts, it makes me think and ponder the different situations in my life. Her Sunday posts tend to be my favorite. I have nothing in common with Ms. Kelly other than we are both Canadian – although she is now a New Yorker, and we are both women. I find the parts of her life she shares with her readers to be fascinating.

This morning I read this,

I’ve wasted a lot of my life chasing things that weren’t there for the capturing — men, jobs, ideas, friends, affection from the wrong people, approval or admiration from those who were happier forgetting my existence.

I suspect I am not alone in my quixotic quest.

No, you are not alone in your quixotic quest. The women I currently attract to my life are also guilty of experiencing the same thing. Myself included. I suppose it could be looked upon as optimistic. Lately it feels like delusional is a more appropriate term. I took this thought and went swimming. The pool is the place where I do my deepest thinking. I am able to solve problems and sort out obstacles while I swim. Today I decided to keep going until my arms were too tired to pull me out of the pool. It turns out that was 90 minutes of pure reflection and ponder.

I keep doing and doing  – searching for that magic thing that will make everything better. I feel like I am wasting my time. What is the purpose anyway? Whats the point? More good questions. Did I find the answer? Maybe…

I am about extremes. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. That is starting to feel toxic. I workout until I am so I tired I hope I will sleep through the night. I take on many extra curricular activities to keep me from feeling bored or lonely, to activate my brain so it doesn’t stagnate. When my brain is idle, I feel depression creeping in, so busy is better. Things that excite me are intellectual conversation. I’m not talking about spouting facts. Any monkey can do that. I mean honest, unpretentious conversation that makes me think and look at things from another perspective. University helps with the intellectual. The problem is, I am currently in an online course. The back and forth conversation is just not the same on message boards. I use to have a friend where back and forth intellectual conversation was enlightening and fulfilling. It has got to the point where I now realize I am, as Kelly said, wasting my time trying capture something that isn’t mine to be captured in the first place. Realizing this doesn’t make me nearly as sad as it makes me lost. I don’t currently have an outlet for insightful conversation.

Maybe I need to stop wasting my time and just be… Just allow things to come and go into my life without striving for more. I look at people and clients I work with and wonder how they are able to be so casual about their lives. They worry about things that I think are trivial, while what I deem as important, they could careless about. How do I turn that off?

I don’t think I can be that person. I am too tenacious and driven. I did come to the conclusion while swimming, that I need to redirect my focus and be driven in areas of my life where what I do is important to not just me, but others around me. I am going to stop wasting my time on people and situations that don’t give a crap. Those situations just pound me into the ground and are pointless. That’s a shame, I wish they weren’t but I cannot change it. My dad’s wise words of wisdom for situations like this are,

Who cares what people think? There is another opportunity down the street. Take your skills and smarts and share them with someone who gives a damn.

You are right Dad, so are you Ms. Kelly

If you wish to read Caitlin Kelly’s entire blog post, you can find it here.

11 thoughts on “Quixotic Quest

  1. I’m really honored you’ve quoted and linked to my words.

    I think it’s a very difficult thing for those of us who are driven to…stop driving. Stop striving. Just sit still for a while and see what shows up. I recently really gave up a lot of energy I was squandering on the wrong person (my alcoholic mother) and started putting in into my sweetie — my husband of one week! Into my work. Into myself. Into my friendships. And wonderful things have begun to happen. It’s been a real eye-opener.

    I, too, am STARVED for smart and deep conversations. I, too, find most people’s pre-occupations insanely silly. It’s one reason I blog, because some of my readers (thank you!!) are so smart and wise and I love hearing from them.

  2. Time is an arrow. It goes one direction.

    Most people get too caught up in the woulda shoulda about the past.

    Too many others try to do too much today in an effort to control the future.

    Then they get run over by a bus. Nobody plans that. Nobody can plan that.

    The truth is that we have about as much control of the future as we did in the past. So the future will be like the present. Too hung up about the woulda shoulda.

    Live the moment. Forget the past other than all of the good times. Plan for retirement. Plan for educating your kids. But ignore most of the rest.

    Now is what is important. The second it is gone, it can never be retrieved. So be slow to anger, quick to laugh, keep you mouth shut and your eyes and ears open. Have some fun. Learn to dance.



    PS I wish I had simply shot that freaking James Bond the first time I caught him. Would my life be better or what?

  3. The problem with all or nothing is, you’ve got a 50% chance of being deeply disappointed. I just don’t care for those odds.

    Then again, for the past 4 years I found myself “settling” when it came to relationships. But dammit, life is short and I’m a firm believer that you should grab the brass ring and try to find that one perfect person who will make you happy forever, or not waste your time.

    In other words…all or nothing.

    And I realize you’re talking about more than just relationships, but it’s the best analogy I can come up with right now. The same could also be said for your job, but sadly the bills don’t pay themselves…

  4. I too need to be “busy” to fend off depression, strange enough it’s worse in all this sunshine compared to the long winters back home. This summer was especially bad, with record heat waves I was only outside between the house and car, or work. And the kids have gone bonkers!
    Nitpicky is what it is, when you can’t shut off all the little bells and whistles pointing out everything that’s wrong. You’re not alone, not in the least 🙂 It takes practice to wrangle in your thoughts and sort out what you actually should be worrying about, the rest will give you gray hairs. My “ah ha” moment was when I realized I was putting so many very high expectations on myself that didn’t help me grow as a person, and I let them go.


  5. Amen, lady. I’m an all-or-nothing kinda girl, who has always had a really hard time slowing down. I like to GO, you know? Which is fine, as long as I’m going for me, for the people I love, for the people who care about me, and not for a bunch of strangers or nebulous societal norms. Rock ON, with your fine authentic self! The world is better for it 🙂

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