Lately I have been reading blogs about The Worst Valentines Day EVER. Some have been so sad they made me laugh. That’s right, I have a dark sense of humor. This made me think about MY worst Valentines Day EVER. It wasn’t today, Honey had dinner catered, and gave me a lovely bouquet of flowers! I am very lucky indeed! No, the worst day was in my single years, many many moons ago.
I was at a dance and my friend introduced me to the very tall, strapping giant of a man from Newfoundland-let’s call him Newfie. I prefer tall men because I am rather tall myself. With heels, I need my fella to be at least 6 feet tall so I don’t tower over him. Newfie happened to be close to 6’5″. This meant I could wear my coveted 80’s pink pointy stilettos! I loved those shoes. As luck would have it, after several nights of phone calls to “get to know me”, Newfie invited me out for dinner. He lived in the Old Strathcona area and suggested we head over to Chianti’s for Valentines Day Dinner. I thought “how perfectly lovely!”
He came to Alberta looking for work. Being an out of work Cod Fisherman, he figured he would see if he could find work in Alberta. I am not sure if he noticed, but Alberta is a Land Locked Province, The Rockie Mountains to the West and Saskatchewan to the East. Not a Ocean around, certainly no change of catching Cod. This did not deter him, he found another Newfie to take him in and give in shelter. Apparently they look after each other like that. Admirable qualities of course! I was living out of town at the time and suggested I come to his place and we could go to the restaurant from there. This was a most agreeable arrangement.
I arrived promptly at 7:00 PM. This was the agreed upon time. I looked fabulous. Pink shoes! Damn they were awesome! My hair looked huge ( it was the 80’s) so it also looked fabulous! In those days I could turn some serious Flock of Seagull looking heads! I rang the doorbell, and Newfie opened the door in his boxer shorts and undershirt. Seriously? He was brushing crumbs off his belly as he leaned in to kiss me, I quickly turned my head and received it on my cheek. Had I been the girl I am today, I would have walked back to my car and drove away into the sunset. Sadly, I was stupid in those days and asked why he wasn’t ready yet. He replied with, “Oh, we are still going out?” Hmmm, hindsight tells me that was his “sexy” look and he was looking for some action. I said, “YOU invited me out for Dinner! Of course we are going!” I waited at the front door, afraid to venture any further due to the funky smell coming from the front room. Again… Today’s me is thinking “You were SO STUPID!”
15 minutes later, out he came wearing jeans, a plaid shirt with a plaid flannel coat and work boots. Well at least he wasn’t wearing wellies. I then asked where was his car, in the front or back? He laughed at me, “I don’t have a car! Do you know how much those cost? We can take yours or we can walk.” I knew Chianti’s wasn’t that far, maybe 5 blocks. There was NO WAY I was driving on our first date, I had principles! Again… Today’s me is thinking “Stupid Stupid Stupid!”
We set out walking to the restaurant, 5 blocks away. Me in my 6″ Pink Shoes with Extra Pointy 80’s style toes. By block #3 I could feel blood pooling in my shoes, by block #4, I was limping. Did he notice? No, are you kidding? The guy mix and matched plaid for crying out loud. We get to the restaurant, ON VALENTINES DAY, and the Maitr d asked for his name, he gave it. Maitr d said “I don’t see your name on the list” I’m thinking “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Valentines Day and NO reservation?!” Newfie asked “why would it be on the list?” I’m thinking at this point he is not the brightest bulb in the box….yet I stayed. What does that say about me?!?!
I asked the Maitre D if my Greek friend was working, soon he came out and I asked him to give me a table. He looked at my date and whispered in my year, Charity Dinner? Ha Ha thanks Greek Friend, but he found us a table. Newfie ordered a HUGE amount of food. HUGE! of course he was a big guy but he ate like he hadn’t had a decent meal in a long time. The bill came and he looked it over and said, “wow, it sure is expensive here, thanks so much for taking me out to dinner.” ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! This is where I drew the line. I said,” YOU invited me, that means YOU pay, or at the very least, you pay YOUR portion!” He explained that since I knew he was out of work, it was assumed that I was paying. This was one of those WTF moments. I handed over my card, paid and walked out, not waiting for Newfie who was in the men’s room stealing soap and towels.
He caught up with me two blocks later, due to my slow pace caused by bleeding toes, and told me he had called his mom earlier that day. He told her he found his true love. I ask, oh really, then why did you ask me out? He said, oh silly girl, I love you. WHAT?!?!?! We knew each other two weeks! He said he could hardly wait to hang out on his Chesterfield, eating what I cooked for him and drinking beer. He said I made him so happy. I froze. I was literally petrified. I could see myself like a cartoon character wearing curlers and an apron with a kids hanging all over my legs and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. At that moment I want to run, but my feet we in no condition to move faster than a snails pace. The walk to my car was so excruciatingly slow and painful listening to his plans for our future, I was ready to hurl myself into the river. He talked about moving into my place at the end of the month so he wouldn’t have to pay rent anymore. That way I could take care of him. I actually snorted in disgust at that comment. I thank the heavens above that he never knew where I lived. I have no doubt he would have called a cab and moved in the next day.
When we reached my car, he made a move to get in. I said, Uhhh no, I have to work in the morning, someone needs to earn a living! He said you are so right sweetie. BLAH! I got in and drove away. Never to see him again. The next time he called, I said “you have the wrong number”. He either bought it, or knew it was me. I’m guessing he really thought he had the wrong number.
Now, can you top THAT worst Valentines Day ever? I didn’t think so. I win.
Happy Valentines Day!