I am Sick of Chicken, Rice and Peas

After a long week in the trenches, I find myself needing to be here. In spite of the fact there is homework piling up as the seconds tick away. I know from past experience I need to clear my head before I can be in the right frame of mind for homework, so here I am. Looking for that right frame of mind.

This week was brutal both professionally and personally. I find myself coming home and feeling mentally drained. When I am at work, I look around and try to feed off the excitement of my team. They are brand new to this field. They still experience the joy and excitement with doing what they love to do. For me it has become tedious. Sure it is always different on some level, but the nuts and bolts of it is very much the same from year to year. I liken it to eating chicken, rice and peas every day of your life. Sure there is nothing wrong with plain chicken, rice and peas, but it doesn’t hold any excitement for me. Then I come home, make chicken, rice and peas to feed my family, who quite frankly, will not eat anything that excites me. I have come to the conclusion that I am living my life for those around me. I do what is expected, I give the appropriate response, but I am meeting the bare minimum requirements. Even then, I find myself becoming passive aggressive. Saying yes, but thinking to myself, SCREW IT! I have a serious case of the blahs.

Earlier this week I read a blog that peaked my interest. She asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. Now THAT is a very good question. I fell into my profession because:

  • I didn’t know what I wanted
  • I knew I could do it
  • I was feeling pressure to go to secondary school and do something with my life
  • my life partner at the time didn’t want me to be “smarter” than him (How freaking sad is that?)

Meanwhile, fast forward to 2011, and I am very good at what I do. I have background knowledge that my colleagues learn and benefit from. I prefer meetings, planning, and figuring out problems to doing the work. I love going to work one day a week. That leaves 4 days where I rather be in bed. This fascinates me. That blog I read had a link to a motivational map questionnaire. I filled it out this morning. I came to the realization that I knew the answer before it gave it to me. All it did was validate my feelings and ideas.

The answer to the Motivational Map was…drum roll please!  My Primary Motivator is the Spirit. Not in the born again Christian kind of way, I’m not knocking Jesus, but his non verbal attitude towards me drives me crazy. He prefers actions and showing me stuff, fine, if I have to live with that kind of response, so be it. However, Spirit meaning driving oneself. Years ago, I had a friend who always said I was a free spirit. Hard to tame. Well, children find away to tame that free spirit. Responsibility and commitment do that to a person. Maybe that is why I feel this way. My free spirit is aching to run, jump and live. I have kept it in a bottle.

The Motivational Map suggested I quit my job and become a consultant, be self employed or carefully screen a boss that would give me the kind of freedom I need in my position. First off, I have the kind of boss who lets me make lots of autonomous decisions. She is brilliant at that. She has given me the kind of supervisor that does the same thing. I want to keep working for her. I know I don’t want to be doing the same thing any more. I change teams, but the work is the same. The work needs to change for me. I need less hands on and need to be in a more guiding role. School is helping me achieve that. HOLY HANNAH it is taking for ever! This time next year my goal is to be half way done. I doing one year of University in ONE YEAR. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but it means, I am doing this, working full-time, and raising a family.

I guess the bottom line is I am the type of person who needs to be fulfilled in all aspects of life. Don’t we all? Or is that just me? If work isn’t doing it for me, then what? I am responsible enough to know I just can’t instantly change everything. I need to feed my family. My leisure time is suffering because I am just too mentally drained to want to do stuff. I am taking steps to change that. The Sun is back up north so that helps! I suppose I am at a “wait and see” point in my life. Four more months left until summer. The question is, then what? I have a lot of thinking I need to do.

Motivational Maps

10 thoughts on “I am Sick of Chicken, Rice and Peas

  1. Kudos to GG, the all knowing….heed the advice!! There’s a reason why they pick this time of year for reading week.

  2. When I first read the title I laughed and thought, this sounds like it will be some kind of Dr. Seuss story. “I do not like them please, I am sick of chicken, rice and peas!” But seriously, yes we do all have those days, I have them frequently, and I don’t have the answers for you, because I haven’t figured them out myself. I think you are on the right path though, taking classes, etc, and making relevant life changes. And although you’ve mentioned once that you feel your career is where you should be, and I certainly understand the comfort level you feel with your current supervisors, but sometimes we just get burned-out and a change of jobs is a necessity, a must in order to find our way. That’s where I am too, and I am looking at something that is certainly not my dream job (starting to think that’s writing), but it would be a change to something new that would hopefully bring back the spark. I pray that it all works out for you, and I’m glad I can tag along for the ride 🙂

  3. I think we all go through those stages where we question the direction our lives are headed. Some people call it a “mid-life crisis” (not me, though – I’d never imply you were old enough for one!). Whatever the case, I think if you’re living for other people you’ve got to reevaluate that and figure out how to live for yourself…whatever that means. Good luck.

    BTW, what do you do?

  4. The way you’re able to bring focus to your needs and wants always amazes me Robyn! I agree with the other commentors that you’re on the right path and that all of have days like this. I KNOW you’ll eventually achieve what you want out of life.

  5. Those are such important questions to be asking, ET. And it is difficult, when you feel weighed down with responsibility, to consider things that blow your highlights back.
    However, it sounds to me like you – just like the Canadian winter – are soon to emerge out of a long winter into a summer of discovery. Your will and intention to do that are quite evident, and that sounds pretty exciting to me.
    Hugs to you from London
    Sunshine xx

  6. That’s good for you on doing all that (school,work) & taking care of your family. This is how I decided to look at things after my 1st divorce many years ago…”you only live once, make yourself happy…no time to worry about everything..if your alive, it’s a good day”!

  7. I suspect you’ve expressed some feelings here that many folks can relate to. That case of the blahs does go around. No matter what we do in life, one of the challenges is to keep it fresh. Stephen Covey always talks about “sharpening the saw.” The anchor of stability usually holds us in place. Perhaps you should start experimenting with the type of side work you would turn into a full time alternative? Then you’ll be refreshed by the new challenge but still maintain that stable lifestyle you’ve established.

  8. Thinking about you!
    I have been feeling very similiar for a few months now… not because i dont like what i do, but because i am getting nowhere, due to non performance by our entire legal system!
    HOWEVER, here is the happy face… although no real positivity yet, there is movement. I am dealing with new problems, and ways of fixing current problems. Just that movement- is motivating!
    I think you just need to find a couple of minutes for you every day! Just You!!!

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