After a long week in the trenches, I find myself needing to be here. In spite of the fact there is homework piling up as the seconds tick away. I know from past experience I need to clear my head before I can be in the right frame of mind for homework, so here I am. Looking for that right frame of mind.
This week was brutal both professionally and personally. I find myself coming home and feeling mentally drained. When I am at work, I look around and try to feed off the excitement of my team. They are brand new to this field. They still experience the joy and excitement with doing what they love to do. For me it has become tedious. Sure it is always different on some level, but the nuts and bolts of it is very much the same from year to year. I liken it to eating chicken, rice and peas every day of your life. Sure there is nothing wrong with plain chicken, rice and peas, but it doesn’t hold any excitement for me. Then I come home, make chicken, rice and peas to feed my family, who quite frankly, will not eat anything that excites me. I have come to the conclusion that I am living my life for those around me. I do what is expected, I give the appropriate response, but I am meeting the bare minimum requirements. Even then, I find myself becoming passive aggressive. Saying yes, but thinking to myself, SCREW IT! I have a serious case of the blahs.
Earlier this week I read a blog that peaked my interest. She asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. Now THAT is a very good question. I fell into my profession because:
- I didn’t know what I wanted
- I knew I could do it
- I was feeling pressure to go to secondary school and do something with my life
- my life partner at the time didn’t want me to be “smarter” than him (How freaking sad is that?)
Meanwhile, fast forward to 2011, and I am very good at what I do. I have background knowledge that my colleagues learn and benefit from. I prefer meetings, planning, and figuring out problems to doing the work. I love going to work one day a week. That leaves 4 days where I rather be in bed. This fascinates me. That blog I read had a link to a motivational map questionnaire. I filled it out this morning. I came to the realization that I knew the answer before it gave it to me. All it did was validate my feelings and ideas.
The answer to the Motivational Map was…drum roll please! My Primary Motivator is the Spirit. Not in the born again Christian kind of way, I’m not knocking Jesus, but his non verbal attitude towards me drives me crazy. He prefers actions and showing me stuff, fine, if I have to live with that kind of response, so be it. However, Spirit meaning driving oneself. Years ago, I had a friend who always said I was a free spirit. Hard to tame. Well, children find away to tame that free spirit. Responsibility and commitment do that to a person. Maybe that is why I feel this way. My free spirit is aching to run, jump and live. I have kept it in a bottle.
The Motivational Map suggested I quit my job and become a consultant, be self employed or carefully screen a boss that would give me the kind of freedom I need in my position. First off, I have the kind of boss who lets me make lots of autonomous decisions. She is brilliant at that. She has given me the kind of supervisor that does the same thing. I want to keep working for her. I know I don’t want to be doing the same thing any more. I change teams, but the work is the same. The work needs to change for me. I need less hands on and need to be in a more guiding role. School is helping me achieve that. HOLY HANNAH it is taking for ever! This time next year my goal is to be half way done. I doing one year of University in ONE YEAR. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but it means, I am doing this, working full-time, and raising a family.
I guess the bottom line is I am the type of person who needs to be fulfilled in all aspects of life. Don’t we all? Or is that just me? If work isn’t doing it for me, then what? I am responsible enough to know I just can’t instantly change everything. I need to feed my family. My leisure time is suffering because I am just too mentally drained to want to do stuff. I am taking steps to change that. The Sun is back up north so that helps! I suppose I am at a “wait and see” point in my life. Four more months left until summer. The question is, then what? I have a lot of thinking I need to do.