This may come as a surprise to you, but I am a wee bit of a control freak. Laugh it up people. For those that know me, it really isn’t much of a shock. I blame my mom, my grandma and my grade 8 teacher Mrs. Anderson. Maybe “blame” isn’t the right word. Lets call it what it is. I “applaud” my mom, my grandma and my grade 8 teacher Mrs. Anderson for teaching me how to be strong and to be a leader when it is important. I just take it to the extreme.
As you may recall me mentioning before, I was always compared to Lucy from the Peanuts. Loud and Bossy, that’s me! Just ask my siblings, they will be the first to point fingers and accuse me of over stepping boundaries. Although, they also confuse “bossy” with being mean. Sure I could be mean, I AM their sister and everyone who has a sibling knows who the mean one is. It is usually the oldest, the one with the extra responsibility placed upon their shoulders and the one who worries the most about them, so the mean bossiness manifests itself into the caretaker role as that person matures. Let me say it here and now, there is NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE (with the exception of my parents) who feels more protective over my brother and sister then me.
I learned at a very young age that the women in my family could be counted on, relied upon, they were on the ones that when all else fails, they would come through. I see strength and courage emitting from them in times when most men would curl up in a ball and cry. And yes, they were bossy, loud and could be mean…AND when I say “mean” I mean “for your own good”.
As a little kid I was the one, at the age of 4, who would organize group games, pick teams for the haunted forest hunt, decide who would play with who, and could keep track of all rock trades and keep it fair. All the while, watching out for my brother and my friend’s brother trying to keep them out of trouble. And when I say “trouble” I really mean death or worse. My brother makes Ty Pennington look calm and passive.
There was a time in my life, lets call it the DARK AGES, when I did not subscribe to the leadership tradition of the females in my family. My life fell to ruin, I gave up friends that were very important to me, I lost respect of people I cared about and most importantly I let myself down. It has taken me many years to regain what I lost but with that has come new insight. I learned that I regularly travel from one extreme to another. The last two years I have swung the pendulum the other way and became SUPER BOSSY once again. All I needed was red boots, a long beach towel cape fastened with a safety-pin, a head band to keep my curly locks from straying into my eyes, and a giant B sewn to my chest in an atomic green colour. The bossy boots was finally let out of her cage and came to work, hung out at home, took over PAC meetings and ruled the family. There is something so completely comforting about control. Knowing where everything is, understanding the answer, moving things around to fit and controlling it all. I did learn something new though, being in total control is stressful and exhausting. I set a personal goal for me this year and it is to let go of some control and watch others take on the leadership roles.
If you are one of those control freaks, like my best friend, then you understand. You might as well have asked me to leave my newborn baby in a basket on the doorstep with a note that says “Good Luck”. This has been the HARDEST thing I have ever done. I have taken a step or two back and let other people figure it out. They come to me still, but I smile and say “well, what do you think?” I read on a Facebook status posted by a friend today “A bad decision is better than indecision – Tony Soprano”. That made me think. I still need to assert myself when I think it is chaotic and a decision needs to be made. But I like the changes I see in people around me. I feel nervous about an upcoming trip that I have not spent one minute planning ( except the Disney portion). I need to trust that others will take care of me. This is freaking me out just a little bit…And when I say “little bit” I mean I need a Valium.
However, stress is leaving my shoulders and hanging out with someone else for a change. This is important because I have taken on a lot of extra baggage for my trip as the Edmonton Tourist. That hand up I am looking for is called trust.